I am Thankful

not the greatest picture - but they looked so cute for church

Happy babies!

sleeping with mama

Genevieve

Hope

Now thank we all our God
with heart and hands and voices,
who wondrous things has done,
in whom his world rejoices;
who from our mothers' arms
has blessed us on our way
with countless gifts of love,
and still is ours today.
Hymn - "Now Thank We All Our God"

As Thanksgiving approaches I am thinking back to Thanksgiving one year ago. One year ago Erik and I were heading to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We were putting our faith in God and in the doctors that they would help us conceive a baby. This was our last effort....our last hope. Never did I imagine we would be sitting here a year later with two beautiful baby girls.

That 8 day trip in Michigan was a time of intense prayer, intense medical procedures, and intense love between Erik and I. We pressed into the Lord and he led us to that clinic and he gifted us with two precious children. Our previous suffering was not in vain. I subscribe to a newsletter that offers Christian support for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. I remember re-reading several articles while we were in Michigan last year...some brought me comfort...others brought sadness. I continue to receive that newsletter and reading it now is so very different...I have a new perspective. The front page article this month was "Making Sense Out of Suffering". The following are so excerpts from the article.

Suffering should remind us that God's ultimate plan for our suffering is to transform it into our good. (Romans 8:28)

Suffering can be transformed by God into His glory.
If God blesses you with a child through birth, you may be led to glorify and praise Him with greater depth and feeling than if you'd never experienced infertility.

I do feel a greater joy in motherhood because of my journey to get here. The journey was rough as we were going through it, but each moment with my girls makes that journey so worth it. God has transformed my suffering and I give Him all the glory.


How are the girls?
Hope and Genevieve are doing great. They are growing so fast...it's amazing. They are now 14 weeks old and I can't believe it. They are changing so much. They are cooing, smiling, laughing, and responding to me so much. I really enjoy the interaction I can have with them now. I read books to them each morning and I try to make big facial expressions and they laugh and smile. They may not understand what I'm saying but they sure do think I'm funny! It's fun to see them explore the world more and more. On the bouncy seat and swing I've had these colorful things hanging for them to see for months...now they can see them and they love looking at them. It was so neat one day to see them just stare up and realize that something was there. They just stare and smile. So cute! I love that they can see color better...makes the world a lot more interesting.
They are getting on a good nap schedule....which helps mommy get a few things done and rest. They are still sleeping in our room at night, but during naps they sleep in the nursery. They still sleep together at night and at naps. I think they are comforted by each other. We can put them in bed and they can be far apart, but the next time we look over they are right beside each other. They are very aware of each other. I love that they have a built-in best friend! I know how amazing it is to have a sister and I am so glad they have each other. I pray that they will be best friends...just like me and my sister!!
They go back to the doctor in a few weeks for the 4 month check up. I am looking forward to seeing how much they've grown. They have gotten so long, I have a feeling they are going to be tall like my dad and brothers.

I will leave you with this poem from my newsletter. It makes me ache for women who will never bear a child and makes me thankful that I was blessed to be able to. These are all questions I've struggled with and makes me think of how it's the little things that truly matter. As you read the line about dirty diapers...I have to say that Erik and I almost took a picture of the first trash day after having the girls...all because the trash was filled with diapers. It truly is the small things!

What Would it be like?
What would it be like,
I want to know,
To have a child
As innocent, as pure as snow?

To hear the words:
"Your going to have a baby-
It's for sure, it's for real"
It's not just "maybe".

To go to the doctor
To hear the heart tick?
What would it be like
To feel the baby kick?

What would it be like,
I want to know,
To feel the pain of labor?
It's me this time, not my neighbor

To give the child a name-
Does she have my eyes,
Or does he have his nose?
Our child looks like us both, I suppose.

What would it be like
Dirty diapers in a heap?
I want to know
Long nights without sleep.

What would it be like
To hear the word "mama"?
What would it be like
To hear the word "papa"?

To have dreams for the future
And tell stories of the past?
To pass down our heritage
So our family will last?

What would it be like to
watch him grow up?
To watch him leave the house?
To see him take a spouse?

What would it be like
To have to let go?
To say goodbye?
Will I ever know?

Thank you all my faithful followers for continuing to read my ramblings. This blog is truly therapy for me.
Love you all!
Jamie

Moments of Joy and Sadness

We were surrounded by our family and friends as we dedicated our babies to the Lord on Sunday, October 2nd. What a day it was! A day filled with love, grief, and new joy.

Tears of joy flowing from my eyes...not a dry eye in the church. As our dear friends and our pastor prayed for us I could not contain my emotions. We had waited so very long for this day. We had waited to present our babies to the Lord, He gave them to us as a gift and now we were dedicating them back to Him. Beautiful prayers were lifted up to Him...prayers for the girls to know Jesus at a young age, prayers for Erik and I as parents to be wise and godly parents.
"I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you Hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse continually came to my mind that day. A familiar verse I had held onto for many years as we struggled to have children. It continues to remind me that God has a plan for our family and it's amazing to see that plan come to fruition. My 2 precious girls bring me such joy and I feel truly blessed. God's timing is always the best...I could not have said that a year ago, but so thankful I can say that today!

On October 12th, 2011, Ivy Allison would have been 3 years old. We were able to honor her on her birthday with another visit to the Precious Moments Chapel. Last year, on her 2nd birthday, we purchased a brick to be placed outside the chapel. Above is a picture of the brick. We feel like this is another way to honor her memory. This year going to the chapel was bittersweet..we got to bring our daughters with us...a tradition that will live on for many many years.

Here are the girls are dressed up for Ivy's birthday and getting a picture with her brick. Each year when we go to the chapel we walk around the chapel and always end up in small room with a few pews...a room dedicated to the artists son, who died as a teenager. Each year we pray and cry in this room...it is a place of great comfort. However this year brought something new...a poopy diaper...now I don't mean to make light of this, but I loved knowing we had to change our daughters poopy diaper. Can you call that a blessing? I do! So, needless to say we didn't get to spend much time in that room this year. At the chapel there are also several books you can write in, to remember loved ones in heaven. We write a little note each year. After I wrote the note for this year, I looked back at what we had written the past 2 years. It's amazing to see the changes each year. I can see true healing in what we've written each year. As we walked through the chapel this year I didn't shed a tear. I told Erik that I didn't understand why I wasn't crying this year. I am still sad about losing Ivy, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but my heart is healing. There will always be a piece of my heart with Ivy, but now I have two precious girls to fill the emptiness I felt for so many years. I feel healing and I am making huge steps in that process. The day Ivy was born she was wrapped in a pink blanket, a blanket I have slept with every single night since Oct. 12 2008. I used to cling to that blanket...to her memory...feeling hopeless. I recently decided to put that blanket in her memory box...a huge step for me. It's hard to describe..I don't want it to seem like I'm letting go of her memory...a mother never ever forgets her baby. But I don't need the blanket to cling to anymore, it was my security and my security should be in God alone. Ivy's 3rd birthday was a day filled with sadness and renewed joy...her sisters and her parents will never forget her!

A baby dedication and a remembrance birthday....what a month it's been. Through it all God is with us.

I AM GOD WITH YOU, for all time and throughout eternity. My perpetual presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant life. Let your mind reverberate with meanings of My Names:Jesus - the Lord saves, and Emmanuel - God with us. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

"You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in Your presence."
Acts 2:28

I will leave you with this photo of the girls playing at home. True Joy when I see them smile!

Playtime on the activity mat! Hope loves it!

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I hope to not go another 6 weeks before updating the blog. Everyday is a new day and I take them as they come. I finally feel like I'm out of that postpartum fog and feeling like a confident mommy!!

Love you all!
Jamie

6 Weeks Old!

Hope Allison smiling at mommy!

(her eye looks funny because she scratched it so bad)

Hope kissing her sister....so sweet.

Genevive praising God while sleeping.

(listening to praise music)

Genevieve and Hope having some sister time!

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. I must admit that I'm still in a bit of a fog. Sleep deprivation has caught up with me and one day tends to run into another day. I do find moments to enjoy my girls each day. They are growing like crazy. At their one month doctor visit Genevieve weighed 8lbs. and Hope weighed 9lbs and they both grew 2 inches. It's been two weeks since that visit, and I can tell they have grown even more. They are changing so much every day.

I've found that doing my normal daily activities is no longer an option. I find it hard to get all the chores done around the house....thank the Lord I have a wonderful husband with a wonderful work schedule who can be home to help me. It feels like laundry needs to be done daily and I still haven't gotten back to cooking dinner regularly...thankfully we've been getting meals from friends. The meals have been a HUGE help. My OCD personality has gotten more relaxed...well it had to with two babies needing me. It feels good to be more relaxed about the neatness of my home. Don't get me wrong it's still picked up and mostly clean, but don't go in the spare room or the nursery....crazy messy in those rooms. I keep thinking I will get those rooms cleaned up and organized, but the days get away from me.

The girls are awake more during the day now and we've been able to have some play time. So, between feeding them every 2-3 hours, playing with them, changing diapers, and feeding myself, not much else gets done. I am loving play time with them. They are doing great with tummy time. Geneveive has found her voice and it's so funny to hear her make noises and watch her face...she knows what she's saying. Hope found her hand the other day and it was so cute to watch her put it up to her face...a whole new discovery for her. They are looking at objects and able to track them with their eyes, they smile at us now and respond to us, their heads and backs are becoming really strong. It's amazing to watch them grow!

It's been hard to have my quiet time with God and to read my bible. So I've improvised...I pray pretty much all day, but I pray out loud when I am feeding the girls. I've also been reading my bible to them each day. I thought well if I can't read it alone, I will read it out loud to them and they can enjoy it too! Each morning when we come downstairs for the day I play praise music during their morning nap. It's such a peaceful way to start the day.

We've been getting out of the house about twice a week. I use to want to be home to feed them and it would stress me out to feed them in public, but that has also become more relaxed. I've gotten more comfortable nursing in public and it's been good for us to get out. Speaking of nursing, it's going really well. However, I am starting to wean them because I am going to have to quit nursing in about a month. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it's really bad right now, so I need to get back on my heavy duty medicine so I can feel better and take better care of my babies. This has been a really difficult decision to stop nursing so early, but my body is badly damaged from years of lack of medicine because we've been trying to conceive for 3 years. I've prayed about and sought counsel from dear friends and family. I know that I need to do what's best for myself and my family in the long run, and that means getting back on medication sooner than later. I've so loved nursing my babies, it's such an incredible experience. It's such a bonding experience for us.

I am hoping to be able to update my blog once a week when Erik is home. I now I will love looking back at my blog entries a year or more from now...because I know I won't remember everything. Erik has been back to work for 5 shifts and I've been pretty much alone for long portions of those days. My mom and amazing sister have been able to help me in the evenings. The evenings is really when I need the most help. The girls are most fussy from 6pm-10pm...the time of day when I am most tired. So having someone here is really helpful. Erik doesn't get home until after 8pm, but right when he gets here he springs into action. I know he misses them when he's gone, so he's ready to help and love on them when he gets home. He's the greatest daddy...and husband!!

Thank you everyone for your prayers these past 6 weeks. Please pray for me as I wean the girls and quit nursing, pray for my emotions as it will be hard to quit and pray for peace. Please also pray for my body as I return to my medication, praying for healing joints.

Love you all,
Jamie

3 1/2 weeks old!

Time is flying by...the girls are almost 1 month old. We are all doing really well. I am so loving motherhood and my girls are so fun. Some days are harder than others and sleep still comes and goes, but overall it's just getting better and better.

Last post I stated my biggest challenges were nursing twins and sleep. Prayers are being answered daily around here, both girls are nursing really well now. We do have our moments still with some struggles, but it is so much better. I am excited to go back to the pediatrician for the one month check up to see how much more weight they have gained. As for sleep, some nights they give us 4 hour stretches and other nights only 2 hour stretches. We look forward to the nights of 4 hour stretches. Because I am so programmed for a feed every 3 hours, I often wake before them and jump out of bed, only to realize they are still asleep and I need to be asleep too.

Both girls are changing so much. Just in the last week Erik and I have noticed changes in them everyday. For one thing they are getting bigger and longer...we had to adjust the straps of the car seats because they have grown so much. They are starting to stay awake more during the day. After I feed them we've been doing tummy time and they've been staying awake through it for an hour or so. I really enjoy the time when they are awake and looking around. They are such happy babies. Yesterday Erik and I were cracking up at Genevieve, she was smiling so much at us and almost sounded like she was laughing too. So very adorable. The other morning I went to give Hope a kiss, thinking she was asleep, and she opened her eyes and gave me a sweet smile. Those are the moments I've waited so long for.

As I was rocking them back to sleep early this morning all I could think about was the day they were born. I feel so much joy when I think of that day. I never want that feeling to go away. I feel a change in myself, a new confidence and overwhelming love. I tell Erik, almost daily, how much I love motherhood and how it feels so natural. God is so very good and all those years of waiting for my babies has come to this....pure JOY. I never thought that I could experience joy without the reminder of all we've lost. A day does not go by that I don't think of my babies in heaven, but now I smile more when I think of them. My life is so different now, just in 3 short weeks, and I am enjoying every minute of it!

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, your gifts, and your encouraging comments.

Love ya,

Jamie (Mommy)

2 Weeks Old!

Mommy loving on her girls!
(Genevieve on left, Hope on right)

They are so adorable, even when they sleep.
(Hope in yellow, Genevieve in pink)

I love this, they have their arms linked....so very sweet.

I can't believe they are 2 weeks old. They are doing so good, growing and thriving. We went to the doctor for the 2 week weight check and they each gained one pound...in 7 days! They are getting big and heavy...not my tiny babies anymore. Each day I am overwhelmed with emotion...not sadness, but incredible joy. I feel so blessed to have my babies home and my love for them is so overwhelming that most days it brings me to tears. We went to church with the girls this past Sunday and all I wanted to do during worship time was cry tears of joy. I was sitting there with the babies that so many people in that room had prayed for, it was an amazing morning. It was communion Sunday and such a blessing to share that time with the girls...our family!

Biggest Challenge = Nursing Twins
Biggest Reward = Nursing Twins

I have been telling everyone that the most challenging part of being a mom of twins is nursing. I haven't quite mastered nursing them at the same time...but I know we will get there. I know that so many moms struggle with nursing challenges and I now understand what that is like. It's also so rewarding and a blessing to be able to nurse them. Baby Genevieve nurses so well and has since she was born, Baby Hope has had more trouble. But mommy is learning to be more and more patient and Hope continues to do better. The Lord encourages me each day. I am using His strength and praying each time I nurse. I lift up my babies to the Lord, knowing He is in control. I rest knowing that my girls are eating enough and gaining weight. Praise God!

2nd Biggest Challenge = Sleep
The girls have their days and nights a little mixed up. They sleep a ton during the day...although it still feels like I feed all day too. Nighttime is a little more active. The hardest part of the night is from 8pm - 12am. They seem to be very fussy during this time and that midnight feed is the hardest for both myself and Erik. Once we get past the 3am feed they sleep quite well and a few nights they have gone 4 hours between feeds....ahhhhhhhh sleep. They are on a good schedule, 3 hours between feeds, and they wake around the same time. 3 hours sounds good, but it goes by so fast. Erik and I have a really good system for feeding time and I'm so very thankful to have such a hands-on husband. He is an amazing daddy! I am confident that by the time he goes back to work I will be able to get through the night feedings on my own. I'm hoping to have them both nursing at the same time by then.

Thank you so much to all of you who have and continue to pray for our family. My two miracles are proof that God answers prayers! Amidst the challenges listed above, this is where we've always wanted to be. This is going to be an amazing season of life for our family! I can't wait to see what else God has planned.

Love you all!
Jamie

Two Miracles Have Arrived!

Genevieve Hannah and Hope Allison

Hope (pink hat) and Genevieve (purple hat) with proud daddy!

My girls and me!

I will praise you; O Lord, with all my heart:
I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name. O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2

The girls are here! Praise the Lord! Hope and Genevieve Bayer arrived on Tuesday, August 9th. Hope entered the world at 9:55am and Genevieve at 10:00am. What a joyous day! A day full of emotion and overwhelming thankfulness.

They are twins, but so very different. It only took me only a little bit to know who was who. Hope looks like her daddy with his beautiful eyes, but she has my lips. Genevieve looks like her mommy, only with a cute little head (unlike her mommy's big head-haha!). It's so fun to just sit and stare at them...we've been waiting so long to look at these precious faces.

Delivery Day!
I was so glad that my body went into labor all on it's own...God's timing of course. My water broke at 12:30am on Tuesday morning. Erik began rushing around preparing us to leave...our car had been packed for 2 weeks. We arrived at the hospital after 1am. Our families also arrived shortly after us. My labor was really intense in the beginning and not much fun. I progressed fairly fast and finally the pain medication took effect just in time to get some rest before I was ready to push! The doctor said it was time and wheeled me off to the delivery room. I was crying as we entered the delivery room. The nurses and doctor asking if I was scared. I had no fear at that point, just pure joy that I was about to deliver my baby girls. The emotions didn't stop. Hope arrived and was immediately put onto my chest, she was crying out the whole time. Hearing her cry was music to my ears...still is. I kissed her and off she went to get clean while I pushed out her sister 5 minutes later. Again, hearing her cry was beautiful. The delivery room was emotional once they both arrived safe and sound. The nurses were crying and even our doctor had a teary eyed moment with us. Our doctor had been with us when we lost Ivy almost 3 years ago as well as one of our nurses. God gave us the same team that day that we had that fateful day in the past. It was amazing to share our new joy with both of them. A truly happy ending! It went so fast that before I knew it we were back in the room surrounded by emotional family members. What a morning it was!

The day just continued to get better and better. The girls were measured and weighed. Hope was 6lbs. 13oz. and 19" long. Genevieve was 6lbs. 3oz. and 18 1/2" long. They are perfect and healthy! All we wanted to do was enjoy them and stare at the beautiful faces God created just for us.

We only stayed in the hospital for 2 days and we are now home. This is now the beginning of our new life with our new family. Erik and I are of course exhausted and sleep comes and goes, but we feel truly blessed to be here in our home with our baby girls....this day felt like it would never come. So I sit here typing and watching my babies sleep silently, oh how beautiful they are. Thank you to all of you for praying for these two miracles. It is going to be an amazing journey.

Love to you all.
I will keep you posted on week 1 with the twins!

Jamie