Growing too fast! Feb/Mar 2012

Valentine's Day. My beauties in pink!

Genevieve always has her arms and hands out...she wants to fly!

Hope is my smiley girl.

We want food...we want food!

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They always pose for the camera.

All ready for a walk in our awesome jogging stroller!

At the zoo with daddy!

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Time is flying by in the Bayer house. My babies are growing too fast. The older they get, the more fun they get. They are such happy girls. Lots of smiling and giggling each day.

In February both girls cut the two front bottom teeth...that was fun. Then in March, Hope got her two front top teeth...even more fun. Cutting teeth is no fun...two years of this...are you kidding me? In February they were able to begin sitting up somewhat unsupported. I would put the boppy pillows behind them to give them extra support. I decided to take away the pillows and now they are sitting up great, unsupported! No crawling yet...and that's ok. They are so busy without crawling, I can't imagine how that will change things. It's hard to keep them happy with one activity for very long, so we have tons of options at our house..tons of toys on the floor of course, books, exersaucers, jumperoo, pack-n-play, and two strollers. The warm weather in March was amazing, we were able to walk each day. The girls love the jogging stroller and walking is such a good break for me...and exercise too of course! We took a water babies class in February and realized how much the girls enjoy the water. We have a pool in our subdivision, so I really want them to get to use to the water. The class was fun for them and for us. Erik even dunked them a few times...I objected of course..but they always laughed afterwards. In March we got to take them to the zoo for the first time. Not sure how much they really looked at the animals or understood...but Erik and enjoyed it.
They are officially eating baby food. They eat mostly vegetables and we are slowly introducing fruit. So far they like all the vegetables I have prepared for them. I am enjoying making my own baby food, occasionally I buy them some packaged food as a treat. They do enjoy the Puffs. I actually found some organic puffs at Target. It's so cute to see them feed themselves the puffs...when I get the container out of the cabinet they go crazy. I think they like them!

Parenting is hard work, but I truly want God to show me the parent he wants me to be. When we were a childless couple, we often thought about our own parenting style and looked at our friends parenting styles for help in finding our own. Now I realize during our babies' first year, it's about survival and sleep. We are making decisions so that we can all survive and get sleep. You never realize how important sleep is, until your lacking. Thankfully the girls are sleeping through the night. The main reason for night waking recently is those darn teeth. Then for the last week Hope has decided to wake at 2am and roll around and get on her knees...I think she may be practicing to prepare to crawl...we shall see if these 2am sessions pay off if she crawls soon! HaHa!

Most days we have a good routine and nap schedule...and some days we don't. At times I try to figure it out and wonder if I should change the schedule or try something else, but then I remember that I can't figure it all out. Babies are humans and some days they just want to be human and not be scheduled. I am truly learning to go with the flow...as I've said in previous blog posts. I feel myself more relaxed and just following the lead they give me each day. I am able to have at least 30 minutes of quiet time each morning during the first nap...that has been so helpful for me. I make it my priority when I put them down for nap...I don't do dishes or clean anything, I sit down and dive into God's word and time with Him. That makes the day so smooth and my heart and mind are ready to face the adventures and the challenges. A few days ago my devotional specifically said - "Nothing is as important as spending time with Me"...that is so true. When I've not made that time with God a priority or skipped over it too quick I notice a huge difference in my day and my attitude. I look forward to that time each morning, a time to be renewed. I want my girls to know how important that time is as well. I always remember my mom having her time with God and working on her bible study. Thanks mom for putting God first!
The other issue I've talked about in previous posts is my control issues. God continues to teach me to release control and in a devotional a few weeks ago He got very specific with me..."In order to let go of control, you need to rest in My presence, where you are complete. As you release more and more control, remember that I never let go of your hand."

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear; I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord, let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
Let us come before him with thanksgiving."
Psalm 95:1-2

Thank you to all my faithful friends and family who read my posts...I tend to ramble. I am trying harder to keep up with the blog monthly. I want the blog to be like a baby book for the girls. Lots of memories captured in these posts. Thanks for allowing me to share my life with all of you and thanks for loving our family.
Jamie

December 2011 and January 2012

Cutting down our Christmas tree!

Hope opening her first gift

Christmas morning!

Genevieve opening a Christmas gift.

A mirror image!

Smiling and playing

Always looking so cute!

The girls love when daddy plays his guitar

Tummy time with Daddy

These past few months have flown by and I can't believe the girls will be 6 months old on February 9th. They truly amaze me each day. They are growing and changing so fast. They are at such a fun age. They are giggling and making a ton of noises. They are finally relating to each other a little bit, looking at each other and smiling, even touching each other. They are constantly on their bellies and so ready to begin crawling...I'm just waiting for that day when they do start moving. They are rolling around like crazy and playing with their feet...they both have gotten a foot in their mouths!

Christmas was wonderful. Having the girls here was truly a blessing for us and our family. They got a lot of great stuff, lots of fun toys that they will enjoy soon...right now mom and dad just play with them while the girls watch! I got teary eyed at the Christmas Eve Service at church...remembering back to last year and knowing I was pregnant and praying for the Lord's protection over the pregnancy. The girls got to meet some more Aunt's, Uncle's and Cousins at Christmas. We were blessed to have Erik's siblings in town with there families. It was a busy couple of weeks, but so much fun. We were also blessed to be able to attend a candlelight vigil for our babies in heaven. Our infant loss support group holds a vigil each year at Christmas. Families with babies in heaven come and light a candle and remember those children we lost. It was a precious time this year as we sat and lit our candles and held our new babies in our arms. What an emotional evening it was.

December flew by and January arrived with me celebrating my 33rd birthday on January 2nd. January also brought a tooth for Genevieve. She got her 1st tooth! Hope has yet to show any teeth, but I can tell they are coming soon. Both girls always have a hand or a toy in their mouths, chewing away. We introduced food last week, at first they were really into it, but that faded after a few days. So we are just waiting to introduce more food for a bit, just rice cereal for now.

How's life with 6 month old twins? Busy busy. They may not be moving yet, but they are still keeping me moving. They get bored with activities so quick that it's hard to keep up and keep them both happy. Like any stay at home mom, some days I want to laugh all day, some days I want to cry all day, and other days I want to bang my head against a wall. Never a dull moment. Being a full time mom of twins has been the most challenging experience of my life. While it is so amazing and rewarding...man it's exhausting. God has been teaching me so much about myself through motherhood. I am learning to let go of control issues and be in the moment. It's hard for me to "go with the flow". I am a very scheduled person, always watching the clock and calculating my day. Did you know you can't really do that with two babies who can't tell time? haha ! They don't care what time it is when they are hungry they are hungry and when they are tired they are tired. I'm learning, slowly but surely. Those days when I feel like I can't figure it out...I turn to God and use His strength. He continues to reassure me that He is here...even though some days I can't feel His presence. A few weeks ago I felt like I was drowning and so I went to the Lord and read my devotional for that day...it said

Try to view each day as an adventure, carefully planned out by your Guide.
Instead of staring into the day that is ahead of you, attempting to program it according to your will, be attentive to Me and to all I have prepared for you. Thank Me for this day of life, recognizing that it is a precious, unrepeatable gift. Trust that I am with you each moment, whether you sense My Presence or not. A thankful, trusting attitude helps you to see events in your life from My perspective. Expect each day to contain surprises. Be willing to follow wherever I lead.

This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

God knew just what I needed to hear that day. Each day with my girls is a gift and I am truly trying to be in the moment each day and be thankful! It will still be hard, yes, and it will still be exhausting, yes, but with God I will get through those days! I may still cry and bang my head against the wall...but this too shall pass.

I promise not to let another 2 months pass by before posting more pictures and updates. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Love to you all,
Jamie

I am Thankful

not the greatest picture - but they looked so cute for church

Happy babies!

sleeping with mama

Genevieve

Hope

Now thank we all our God
with heart and hands and voices,
who wondrous things has done,
in whom his world rejoices;
who from our mothers' arms
has blessed us on our way
with countless gifts of love,
and still is ours today.
Hymn - "Now Thank We All Our God"

As Thanksgiving approaches I am thinking back to Thanksgiving one year ago. One year ago Erik and I were heading to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We were putting our faith in God and in the doctors that they would help us conceive a baby. This was our last effort....our last hope. Never did I imagine we would be sitting here a year later with two beautiful baby girls.

That 8 day trip in Michigan was a time of intense prayer, intense medical procedures, and intense love between Erik and I. We pressed into the Lord and he led us to that clinic and he gifted us with two precious children. Our previous suffering was not in vain. I subscribe to a newsletter that offers Christian support for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. I remember re-reading several articles while we were in Michigan last year...some brought me comfort...others brought sadness. I continue to receive that newsletter and reading it now is so very different...I have a new perspective. The front page article this month was "Making Sense Out of Suffering". The following are so excerpts from the article.

Suffering should remind us that God's ultimate plan for our suffering is to transform it into our good. (Romans 8:28)

Suffering can be transformed by God into His glory.
If God blesses you with a child through birth, you may be led to glorify and praise Him with greater depth and feeling than if you'd never experienced infertility.

I do feel a greater joy in motherhood because of my journey to get here. The journey was rough as we were going through it, but each moment with my girls makes that journey so worth it. God has transformed my suffering and I give Him all the glory.


How are the girls?
Hope and Genevieve are doing great. They are growing so fast...it's amazing. They are now 14 weeks old and I can't believe it. They are changing so much. They are cooing, smiling, laughing, and responding to me so much. I really enjoy the interaction I can have with them now. I read books to them each morning and I try to make big facial expressions and they laugh and smile. They may not understand what I'm saying but they sure do think I'm funny! It's fun to see them explore the world more and more. On the bouncy seat and swing I've had these colorful things hanging for them to see for months...now they can see them and they love looking at them. It was so neat one day to see them just stare up and realize that something was there. They just stare and smile. So cute! I love that they can see color better...makes the world a lot more interesting.
They are getting on a good nap schedule....which helps mommy get a few things done and rest. They are still sleeping in our room at night, but during naps they sleep in the nursery. They still sleep together at night and at naps. I think they are comforted by each other. We can put them in bed and they can be far apart, but the next time we look over they are right beside each other. They are very aware of each other. I love that they have a built-in best friend! I know how amazing it is to have a sister and I am so glad they have each other. I pray that they will be best friends...just like me and my sister!!
They go back to the doctor in a few weeks for the 4 month check up. I am looking forward to seeing how much they've grown. They have gotten so long, I have a feeling they are going to be tall like my dad and brothers.

I will leave you with this poem from my newsletter. It makes me ache for women who will never bear a child and makes me thankful that I was blessed to be able to. These are all questions I've struggled with and makes me think of how it's the little things that truly matter. As you read the line about dirty diapers...I have to say that Erik and I almost took a picture of the first trash day after having the girls...all because the trash was filled with diapers. It truly is the small things!

What Would it be like?
What would it be like,
I want to know,
To have a child
As innocent, as pure as snow?

To hear the words:
"Your going to have a baby-
It's for sure, it's for real"
It's not just "maybe".

To go to the doctor
To hear the heart tick?
What would it be like
To feel the baby kick?

What would it be like,
I want to know,
To feel the pain of labor?
It's me this time, not my neighbor

To give the child a name-
Does she have my eyes,
Or does he have his nose?
Our child looks like us both, I suppose.

What would it be like
Dirty diapers in a heap?
I want to know
Long nights without sleep.

What would it be like
To hear the word "mama"?
What would it be like
To hear the word "papa"?

To have dreams for the future
And tell stories of the past?
To pass down our heritage
So our family will last?

What would it be like to
watch him grow up?
To watch him leave the house?
To see him take a spouse?

What would it be like
To have to let go?
To say goodbye?
Will I ever know?

Thank you all my faithful followers for continuing to read my ramblings. This blog is truly therapy for me.
Love you all!
Jamie

Moments of Joy and Sadness

We were surrounded by our family and friends as we dedicated our babies to the Lord on Sunday, October 2nd. What a day it was! A day filled with love, grief, and new joy.

Tears of joy flowing from my eyes...not a dry eye in the church. As our dear friends and our pastor prayed for us I could not contain my emotions. We had waited so very long for this day. We had waited to present our babies to the Lord, He gave them to us as a gift and now we were dedicating them back to Him. Beautiful prayers were lifted up to Him...prayers for the girls to know Jesus at a young age, prayers for Erik and I as parents to be wise and godly parents.
"I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you Hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse continually came to my mind that day. A familiar verse I had held onto for many years as we struggled to have children. It continues to remind me that God has a plan for our family and it's amazing to see that plan come to fruition. My 2 precious girls bring me such joy and I feel truly blessed. God's timing is always the best...I could not have said that a year ago, but so thankful I can say that today!

On October 12th, 2011, Ivy Allison would have been 3 years old. We were able to honor her on her birthday with another visit to the Precious Moments Chapel. Last year, on her 2nd birthday, we purchased a brick to be placed outside the chapel. Above is a picture of the brick. We feel like this is another way to honor her memory. This year going to the chapel was bittersweet..we got to bring our daughters with us...a tradition that will live on for many many years.

Here are the girls are dressed up for Ivy's birthday and getting a picture with her brick. Each year when we go to the chapel we walk around the chapel and always end up in small room with a few pews...a room dedicated to the artists son, who died as a teenager. Each year we pray and cry in this room...it is a place of great comfort. However this year brought something new...a poopy diaper...now I don't mean to make light of this, but I loved knowing we had to change our daughters poopy diaper. Can you call that a blessing? I do! So, needless to say we didn't get to spend much time in that room this year. At the chapel there are also several books you can write in, to remember loved ones in heaven. We write a little note each year. After I wrote the note for this year, I looked back at what we had written the past 2 years. It's amazing to see the changes each year. I can see true healing in what we've written each year. As we walked through the chapel this year I didn't shed a tear. I told Erik that I didn't understand why I wasn't crying this year. I am still sad about losing Ivy, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but my heart is healing. There will always be a piece of my heart with Ivy, but now I have two precious girls to fill the emptiness I felt for so many years. I feel healing and I am making huge steps in that process. The day Ivy was born she was wrapped in a pink blanket, a blanket I have slept with every single night since Oct. 12 2008. I used to cling to that blanket...to her memory...feeling hopeless. I recently decided to put that blanket in her memory box...a huge step for me. It's hard to describe..I don't want it to seem like I'm letting go of her memory...a mother never ever forgets her baby. But I don't need the blanket to cling to anymore, it was my security and my security should be in God alone. Ivy's 3rd birthday was a day filled with sadness and renewed joy...her sisters and her parents will never forget her!

A baby dedication and a remembrance birthday....what a month it's been. Through it all God is with us.

I AM GOD WITH YOU, for all time and throughout eternity. My perpetual presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant life. Let your mind reverberate with meanings of My Names:Jesus - the Lord saves, and Emmanuel - God with us. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

"You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in Your presence."
Acts 2:28

I will leave you with this photo of the girls playing at home. True Joy when I see them smile!

Playtime on the activity mat! Hope loves it!

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I hope to not go another 6 weeks before updating the blog. Everyday is a new day and I take them as they come. I finally feel like I'm out of that postpartum fog and feeling like a confident mommy!!

Love you all!
Jamie

6 Weeks Old!

Hope Allison smiling at mommy!

(her eye looks funny because she scratched it so bad)

Hope kissing her sister....so sweet.

Genevive praising God while sleeping.

(listening to praise music)

Genevieve and Hope having some sister time!

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. I must admit that I'm still in a bit of a fog. Sleep deprivation has caught up with me and one day tends to run into another day. I do find moments to enjoy my girls each day. They are growing like crazy. At their one month doctor visit Genevieve weighed 8lbs. and Hope weighed 9lbs and they both grew 2 inches. It's been two weeks since that visit, and I can tell they have grown even more. They are changing so much every day.

I've found that doing my normal daily activities is no longer an option. I find it hard to get all the chores done around the house....thank the Lord I have a wonderful husband with a wonderful work schedule who can be home to help me. It feels like laundry needs to be done daily and I still haven't gotten back to cooking dinner regularly...thankfully we've been getting meals from friends. The meals have been a HUGE help. My OCD personality has gotten more relaxed...well it had to with two babies needing me. It feels good to be more relaxed about the neatness of my home. Don't get me wrong it's still picked up and mostly clean, but don't go in the spare room or the nursery....crazy messy in those rooms. I keep thinking I will get those rooms cleaned up and organized, but the days get away from me.

The girls are awake more during the day now and we've been able to have some play time. So, between feeding them every 2-3 hours, playing with them, changing diapers, and feeding myself, not much else gets done. I am loving play time with them. They are doing great with tummy time. Geneveive has found her voice and it's so funny to hear her make noises and watch her face...she knows what she's saying. Hope found her hand the other day and it was so cute to watch her put it up to her face...a whole new discovery for her. They are looking at objects and able to track them with their eyes, they smile at us now and respond to us, their heads and backs are becoming really strong. It's amazing to watch them grow!

It's been hard to have my quiet time with God and to read my bible. So I've improvised...I pray pretty much all day, but I pray out loud when I am feeding the girls. I've also been reading my bible to them each day. I thought well if I can't read it alone, I will read it out loud to them and they can enjoy it too! Each morning when we come downstairs for the day I play praise music during their morning nap. It's such a peaceful way to start the day.

We've been getting out of the house about twice a week. I use to want to be home to feed them and it would stress me out to feed them in public, but that has also become more relaxed. I've gotten more comfortable nursing in public and it's been good for us to get out. Speaking of nursing, it's going really well. However, I am starting to wean them because I am going to have to quit nursing in about a month. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it's really bad right now, so I need to get back on my heavy duty medicine so I can feel better and take better care of my babies. This has been a really difficult decision to stop nursing so early, but my body is badly damaged from years of lack of medicine because we've been trying to conceive for 3 years. I've prayed about and sought counsel from dear friends and family. I know that I need to do what's best for myself and my family in the long run, and that means getting back on medication sooner than later. I've so loved nursing my babies, it's such an incredible experience. It's such a bonding experience for us.

I am hoping to be able to update my blog once a week when Erik is home. I now I will love looking back at my blog entries a year or more from now...because I know I won't remember everything. Erik has been back to work for 5 shifts and I've been pretty much alone for long portions of those days. My mom and amazing sister have been able to help me in the evenings. The evenings is really when I need the most help. The girls are most fussy from 6pm-10pm...the time of day when I am most tired. So having someone here is really helpful. Erik doesn't get home until after 8pm, but right when he gets here he springs into action. I know he misses them when he's gone, so he's ready to help and love on them when he gets home. He's the greatest daddy...and husband!!

Thank you everyone for your prayers these past 6 weeks. Please pray for me as I wean the girls and quit nursing, pray for my emotions as it will be hard to quit and pray for peace. Please also pray for my body as I return to my medication, praying for healing joints.

Love you all,
Jamie

3 1/2 weeks old!

Time is flying by...the girls are almost 1 month old. We are all doing really well. I am so loving motherhood and my girls are so fun. Some days are harder than others and sleep still comes and goes, but overall it's just getting better and better.

Last post I stated my biggest challenges were nursing twins and sleep. Prayers are being answered daily around here, both girls are nursing really well now. We do have our moments still with some struggles, but it is so much better. I am excited to go back to the pediatrician for the one month check up to see how much more weight they have gained. As for sleep, some nights they give us 4 hour stretches and other nights only 2 hour stretches. We look forward to the nights of 4 hour stretches. Because I am so programmed for a feed every 3 hours, I often wake before them and jump out of bed, only to realize they are still asleep and I need to be asleep too.

Both girls are changing so much. Just in the last week Erik and I have noticed changes in them everyday. For one thing they are getting bigger and longer...we had to adjust the straps of the car seats because they have grown so much. They are starting to stay awake more during the day. After I feed them we've been doing tummy time and they've been staying awake through it for an hour or so. I really enjoy the time when they are awake and looking around. They are such happy babies. Yesterday Erik and I were cracking up at Genevieve, she was smiling so much at us and almost sounded like she was laughing too. So very adorable. The other morning I went to give Hope a kiss, thinking she was asleep, and she opened her eyes and gave me a sweet smile. Those are the moments I've waited so long for.

As I was rocking them back to sleep early this morning all I could think about was the day they were born. I feel so much joy when I think of that day. I never want that feeling to go away. I feel a change in myself, a new confidence and overwhelming love. I tell Erik, almost daily, how much I love motherhood and how it feels so natural. God is so very good and all those years of waiting for my babies has come to this....pure JOY. I never thought that I could experience joy without the reminder of all we've lost. A day does not go by that I don't think of my babies in heaven, but now I smile more when I think of them. My life is so different now, just in 3 short weeks, and I am enjoying every minute of it!

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, your gifts, and your encouraging comments.

Love ya,

Jamie (Mommy)