Remembering Ephraim

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

This is not the kind of message I want to post. This was not what I expected to happen this far into my pregnancy. But here I am grieving the loss of another baby, our precious son, Ephraim. Our little boy is now at home in heaven with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Throughout this past weekend I sensed that something was off about my body. I thought I had an infection of some sort, the kind that happens a lot with pregnancy. I called my doctor Monday to make them aware and they asked me to come in so they could check it out. So my mom drove me and Erik met us at the doctor's office. The doctor examined me and sure enough I have an infection. I was given an antibiotic and assured that I would be fine. The doctor also wanted to take a peek at the babies on the ultrasound. This is when the devastation began. The ultrasound showed the girls looked great with strong heartbeats and good fluid....when we got to Ephraim however....no heartbeat was detected. The sonographer worked hard to search for it, hoping she would find it. Our doctor was by my side comforting me as Erik and I sat in total shock. Erik's head dropped and his eyes couldn't look, while I stared at the screen where my son was lifeless. The flashback to two years ago poured through our minds....this was all too familiar. You see when we lost our precious Ivy we saw her lifeless body on the ultrasound screen as well. At first we had no emotions....just shock. My next thoughts raced to the girls...how was this going to affect them...were they going to be ok?

My OB sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound with the Perinatologist. He wanted them to double check his findings and to consult with us. The sonographer at the hospital was so sensitive and very sweet. She spent a lot of time looking at the girls and continued to comment how good they looked. She tried not to spend too much time on Ephraim, but confirmed that he had no heartbeat and it appeared he had stopped growing days before. This is when the emotions came...tears...too many tears.

The day felt like it was never ending. Now we had to wait for the Perinatologist to speak to us. It seemed like eternity. Erik's head was throbbing and my emotions were so up and down. When the doctor finally spoke with us he was very encouraging and helpful. He was not sure what happened to Ephraim, and we will probably never know. He told us that the girls looked good and they should continue to grow as normal. Because I am still fairly early in my pregnancy, 19 weeks doesn't seem early, Ephraim's little body will be able to reabsorb into mine. He said they do see this type of scenario quite a bit with triplets and the remaining twins continue to grow and thrive. Those are the words I needed to hear. So much hope for our girls.

Erik and I are very much grieving for Ephraim and it has been a rough couple of days. Our focus now is on our girls and they still need us to be strong, especially me. I continue to be on bed rest, but now I am able to sit up more instead of constantly laying down. Which, I must say is a nice change. We are clinging to God right now, because He is our strength. We are not angry at God, nor do we blame Him. But it is hard not to ask, as a friend said, "Why does God continue to entrust us with so much pain?" It seemed we finally had our joy back after 2 years of grieving for Ivy and now here we are again. We will remain strong, with our Lord, and we will continue this fight for our two precious girls.

At night when I close my eyes I picture Ivy taking Ephraim's hand in heaven and welcoming him Home. My beautiful babies are now in the lap of the Lord, the best place they could ever be. I continue to rest knowing I will see them again, and for eternity.

Please continue praying for our girls, Hope and Genevieve. Pray for God's protection over our family as we grieve once again and remember our precious son. We love you all and thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers and your love.

In Him,
Jamie