TRUST

28 Weeks! Summer is here!

My pretty toes...done by my amazingly wonderful husband! Last night Erik gave me a spa treatment pedicure (with the help of some of amazing Mary Kay products!). He spoils me!

Now that summer is here I finally feel like time is flying by. The girls will be here before I know it. Next week I start going to the doctor's office twice a week...oh joy. We have another ultrasound next week and I'm excited to see how much the girls have grown. They are moving and grooving inside my belly and I can tell they are getting big!

The word TRUST has been on my mind.
Definition: belief in the honesty of another, put in care of, believe, hope

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:4

In the footnotes of my bible this verse is described as a confession of trust in the face of fear.
That is precisely my issue...FEAR. Fear can be disabling.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

My bible describes this verse as trusting God with whole hearted devotion. I can say I trust God, but my heart remains fearful. I need to fully trust and not half-way. God wants it all and he is worthy of all of me.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me."
John 14:1

This is my prayer when fear creeps in. I cannot allow my heart to be troubled/worried/fearful, I need to TRUST. Why can't I get this through my thick skull? It's like a broken record sometimes...I know God knows my heart and His grace abounds when my sin abounds.

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.
Isaiah 26:4

He is alive! He is active! Faith in a living, active God moves mountains.
(Beth Moore)

Bed Rest Book Club
I have finished all 4 books of the Above the Line Series by Karen Kingsbury. They were all excellent. Now I am reading some of her non-series books. Yesterday I finished Shades of Blue and today I started reading This Side of Heaven. I may end up reading all of Karen Kingsbury's books before the babies arrive.
The bible study I'm working on right now is Beth Moore's study of David. I've never studied David before and I'm really enjoying it. It's all about "seeking a heart like David's". Who wouldn't want that?

Thanks for reading this latest entry. Love you all!
Jamie

The Nursery!

The following pictures are of the nursery. It is ready for the girls! It may seem early for us to have this done, but this nursery has been sitting empty for 2 1/2 years after we lost Ivy. It was once a sad room to go in and now brings us joy!

A view of the entire room. We have the two cribs put up, although I figure they will sleep in the same one for awhile. We put Ephraim's name on the wall to honor him.

Here is a bit of a closer view of the main wall with the changing table and the cribs on either side. When we were expecting Ivy, we didn't know she was a girl until she was born, so this nursery was decorated with ducks and frogs. We have kept that theme with the yellow and green and added a few pink touches.

Here is Genevieve's crib. She has the window view next to the rocking chair.

Here is Hope's crib. Also included in this view is the kids bathroom and guest room. The bathroom is also decorated with ducks and frogs.











Here is a view of the girls closet. A very full closet!

This is just a small taste of the amount of clothing that we have received as gifts or hand-me-downs. We have been so blessed by friends and family! We had to put clothing in the guest room closet as well. We are incredibly thankful to you all for these blessings!

This is the girls' "wall of fame". This board has all the sweet little bows we've collected and some ultrasound pictures of them. Our beautiful girls!












Erik had to take a picture of the cute rug!









Love to you all! Please continue to pray for Erik & I and our precious girls. We are so thankful for all of you, for your love and prayers.
Jamie

Memories

But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
Psalm 3:3

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 126:5

Happy Saturday! The sun is shining today after a few dreary rainy days and I am soaking up the sun. I finished the book, Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman, and I must say it brought up so many memories for me. Mary Beth writes about the devastating loss of her daughter, Maria Sue. As a mother who has lost too many children, I could relate to her journey and her honesty. Her husband, the wonderful Steven Curtis Chapman, has written the most beautiful songs with God inspired lyrics, dedicated to their precious daughter. I underlined and ear marked so many pages of this book, it will forever be a comfort to me.

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "With Hope")

As I look back over the last 3 years leading up to now, the above words were the theme of our lives. I continue to wait and hold on with hope for my girls to be in my arms. I think of the days I waited for Ivy...always with hope. Now I wait for Ivy and Ephraim, knowing I won't see them on earth again, but waiting for the day I will see them in heaven. Knowing we will be with our children even longer in eternity than here on earth brings me comfort...most days that is.

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey

But this is where we are

And our God is in control

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "Our God is in Control")

I am continually reminded that God is in control. As Erik and I celebrated our anniversary a few days ago, we looked back at each year of our marriage. The beginning of our marriage came with financial and job struggles, the second half has come with infertility, loss, and renewed joy. We made plans, like everyone does, and our plans were obviously not God's plans. God has made it clear that He knows what he's doing and we need to TRUST Him. In the book, Mary Beth had a chapter called - We Can Do Hard. I feel that way about Erik and I....We Can Do Hard. We've done hard and I know that more trials will come....but what we have is greater than any trial...we have love and we have God. I don't know how to live without God. Our marriage has become stronger through our trials, even the loss of our precious children.

When you realize the dreams you've had
For your child won't come true
Jesus will meet you there...
(Steven Curtis Chapman, "Jesus Will Meet You There")

So many dreams we had from the beginning of our marriage have turned into losses. We had dreams for Ivy. The day she was still born and as I held her in my arms, I told her all the dreams I had for her. Never did I realize the legacy her short life would leave behind on earth. God's dreams for her were different than mine. We also had dreams for Ephraim, our son. God also has dreams for him in heaven and on earth. As these dreams faded away with the loss of our little ones...Jesus will meet us here.

Christianity doesn't deny the reality of suffering and evil.
Our hope....is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather, it is based on the conviction that we will triumph over suffering.
(Brennan Manning)

Triumph over suffering. Jesus triumphed over suffering and death. God triumphed over seeing Jesus' suffering and death. Erik said the other day that he never thought we would have that in common with God...the death of a child, a son. No matter how old your child is when you lose them, whether at birth or age 50...they are still your child. With God, we can triumph over suffering and give Him all the glory.

May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand

which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself.
(James Hudson Taylor)

Only God can fill the void in my heart. As my heart aches each day for the loss of Ivy and Ephraim...God fills it with himself and his undying love.

There is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it.
(C.S. Lewis)

A very true statement above. We must trudge through the suffering always knowing God has gone ahead of us and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. For me, that light at the end of the tunnel felt like it would never come. When I became pregnant with triplets...the light shone so bright I needed sunglasses. Now that my triplets are twins...the light is flickering a bit, but I know it will be bright again. The tears will flow now from my eyes, but I can PRAY and TRUST that God is in CONTROL.

Thanks for reading my thoughts all you loyal friends.
Love to you all,
Jamie

Happy Anniversary To Us!

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Today, May 17, is our 8 year wedding anniversary. The picture was taken on the plaza at the fountain where Erik proposed. Oh sweet memories of the last 8 years and many more memories to come! We had a great day. We got to see the girls, the weather was beautiful, and we had a fabulous celebration dinner. I only get out once or twice a week, so today was a real treat!

I am now 26 weeks into pregnancy and everything is looking great. We had a complete ultrasound of the girls today. They checked all vital organs and, arms, legs, stomach, heads, etc. They are doing so amazing. They are both weighing in at 2lbs. and all their measurements are putting them a week ahead of schedule. Praise the Lord! We got some great pictures of their sweet faces and even their cute little feet. After seeing the girls and how amazing they are doing I had to ask myself...now why am I not fully trusting God? He continues to answer my prayers and keep my babies safe in His hands. He is in control....as He continually reminds me. We did get a brief look at Ephraim. He's really tiny and although it's just his shell that lay in my womb...it warmed my heart to see his sweet face.

The following bible verse is one that I am meditating on and praying each time I find myself struggling to trust the Lord with my pregnancy and my babies.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

So, to celebrate our anniversary we celebrated with dinner at The Melting Pot. YUM!

Here we are in our private booth.













A look at our delicious entree. Shrimp, Steak, Chicken, and Ravioli.












A view of the pot of broth to cook our meats and all the delicious dipping sauces to choose from. A feast!











Trust me, it's delicious!


















My silly Erik agrees, it's yummy!

Dark Chocolate with Dulce De Leche.

Our desserts to dip in the chocolate. Cheesecake, brownies, marshmallows, pound cake, strawberries, and bananas. Am I making you hungry yet? Jealous? Ha ha!








Love you all!
Jamie

25 Weeks with thoughts of babies....

Mollie decided to relax with me today. She hasn't been laying on my lap much since I've been pregnant, but today she must have needed some extra lovin. She gently got up on the couch and laid down on my legs, kind of nuzzled up against my belly. Such a sweetie!







My thoughts are all over the place right now. I am wrestling in my mind with thoughts and realities of carrying the babies, how the babies will be delivered, and bringing babies home. I still have not relinquished all my fears to God because they continue to haunt me. Why is it hard to let go? Because it's hard to forget my past. It's hard to forget where we've been and fear of living that again. My prayer today was that I would not allow these thoughts to become worries. I know it's reality to have concerns, especially with what I've been through, but I cannot allow my mind to turn those concerns into worries. It is true that when I worry I am drawn away from God, allowing those worries to consume me. I think at this point I'm just ready for my girls to be here in my arms. However, as I continue to say and need to take to heart myself, the Lord is using this time and soon enough it will all be behind me. That's where the fear comes in...fear of the unknown future. How long will I carry my babies? How will they be delivered...will they be safe? Will they come home with me? As I pour my heart out to all of you, I also pour my heart out to Jesus. I read two devotional readings this morning and both of them spoke to my heart and the thoughts I've been having.

The following are from the devotional Streams in the Desert.
This is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to just "be strong." Just "be still and know that He is God." And know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire. Be strong and take heart. Psalm 27:14

The way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance and every trial as being straight from the hand of our loving Father; to live "with him in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 2:6), above the clouds, in the very presence of His throne; and to look down from glory on our circumstances as being lovingly and divinely appointed.

Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past,
And will he go and leave you
To sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing.

Today I will be still and know that He is God and He is in control and I will live with him in the heavenly realms. Beautiful thoughts!

In Him,
Jamie

Mother's Day 2011

Happy Mother's Day!!!

















Bottom photo is Erik and I with his mama. Can you see where Erik get's his beautiful eyes?

Top photo is my mama in the middle of all of my siblings. Brothers in back from left, Jeff and Joel. The beautiful blonde next to mom is my sis Kate. The brother in front is the baby of the family, Alex.

Jesus all I have is you
Your the hope I'm holding to
I may weep but still my faith
Rests in you
(Song Lyrics - unsure of title)

What a beautiful Mother's Day it was yesterday. The sun was shining and it was a great day. For the first time in 3 years I felt joy in my heart as I celebrated this day. God's grace got me through the day! It wasn't until I lay in bed last night, that I my heart began to ache for my babies in heaven. Oh how wonderful it would have been to have them with me on this joyous day.

I got out of the house yesterday and it was great. I hadn't been out all week and it was much needed. I started the day at church. Our pastor prayed for all the mom's and gave a great message for mom's as well. He talked about how influential we are in our children's lives. Because I'm a stay-at-home mom, I realized how much daily influence I will have in my girl's lives. He encouraged mom's to always be ready to pray with your children, and to have scripture always ready to give them. He emphasized having God as the standard in your home and being an example for your children. I left church encouraged and excited. Motherhood is the best gift I've been given and I pray that God will use me in a mighty way in my children's lives. I have a distinct memory of my mom when I was growing up. I always remember her working on her bible study in her chair in the living room. She talked then, and still does, about bible study and how important it was and is in her life. When I became an adult I realized how important bible study is and it is a passion of mine now. Thanks mom for loving God and His word!
After church we went to breakfast with Erik's parents. We had fun visiting and spending time together. That afternoon I spent time doing my bible study and Erik and I laid around and read for several hours. It was very relaxing and peaceful...just what God intended Sunday to be! At one point I did look over to him and say, "Babe, these quiet days will soon be behind us and when we have quiet time to read we will most likely be snoozing." Ha ha! That evening we went to dinner with my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. We had a great time....fun and loud as always. It was quite a day for me..but I loved it all!

Bed Rest Book Club
I finished the book, Take One, from the Above the Line Series by Karen Kingsbury. I, of course, loved it. I love how she writes about people with such amazing faith and this book really showed the power of prayer. That phrase that use to be popular - Pray Until Something Happens, was really brought to life in this book. I highly recommend it. Now I am onto the second book, Take Two. I am also heavily into reading, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman. Another great book. An amazing woman who shows her vulnerability and that she is a real person and struggles like all other Christians do. One quote that stuck out to me thus far in my reading this book is, "Love of God is pure when joy and suffering inspire an equal degree of gratitude." (Simone Weil) We are continually reminded throughout scripture to consider it pure joy when we face trials. It's most difficult to see joy when you are in the midst of a trial. But I've found that if you purposefully wait and watch...God is at work and and that joy will come.



Here's Mollie checking out our new double stroller. I'm sure she's thinking...get me out of here mom, I'm not a baby. Ha ha!












Here's Erik modeling with the double stroller with the car seats in it. We both had to practice pushing it around. It's pretty heavy empty. Then Erik decided to put 2 12lb weights in it and that was really heavy. I am going to have amazing muscles from using this stroller!








My Love to you all...my faithful friends!
Jamie

Thoughts of Mother's Day

But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me."
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
Isaiah 49:14-16

Mother's Day has been an emotional day for me for the past 3 years. I've been a mom for 3 years...but my children are not with me on earth. It's hard to show you are a mom, when the world can't see your children. My first Mother's Day was in 2008. I was pregnant with Ivy and so excited to be at church that Sunday and to stand up as they prayed for the mom's in our congregation. I thought, "I'm finally here...I'm a mom". My second Mother's Day was in 2009. I didn't leave my house that day...didn't attend church...didn't even see my own mama. It was just too hard emotionally and God gave me the grace I needed to get through the day. My third Mother's Day was 2010, and I had lost a baby through miscarriage...now 2 babies in heaven and not in my arms. Another Mother's Day spent at home in seclusion thinking..."I feel purposeless. I knew that I was created to be a mom and the Lord had given me that desire deep in my heart, but I couldn't seem to attain motherhood on earth. What was God doing? My faith had been shaken." Little did I know that 2010 would be a life changing year. God led us on a journey in 2010...and we never lost hope, He is our hope.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us." Romans 5:5

As I look back at my journal through this last year and this last effort to conceive I see so much emotion...and a lot of hope. I can see the turning point where I felt that I totally surrendered it all to the Lord. I felt like Erik and I had kind of taken control of my fertility and it came to a point when in utter desperation we had to give it over to God. At that point the Lord showed me that my destination is not really motherhood. Being parents may be part of our journey, but truly fulfilling God's will for our lives is more important.

So as this, my fourth Mother's Day approaches, I am grieving another baby in heaven, my sweet Ephraim. But I am also joyfully celebrating the babies in my womb, Hope and Genevieve. Mother's Day will continue to be an emotional day for me, for many years to come. But I know that God is with me and He is my strength during these hard moments. He's holding my children in heaven and that brings me comfort. God's love is better than life. No one compares!

"He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
2 Corinthians 1:10-11

Have a blessed day!
Jamie

24 Weeks and Baby Shower Fun!

Mom (Nana), Me, and Kate (my sissy and Auntie)

What a great weekend we had here at the Bayer house. We had beautiful weather on Saturday for our garage sale. We sold a lot of stuff and the rest went to the goodwill. I was able to sit outside for a bit and meet some new neighbors and enjoy the weather. Sunday was our baby shower/open house. We did the shower as an open house because with me on bed rest it seemed the easiest option. It worked out great. My mom and sis did all the food and decor and made it a special day for us. We had a steady stream of friends and family for 3-4 hours and we got a lot of fun gifts, lots of adorable clothing and some much needed items. We really enjoyed visiting with everyone and seeing so many friends we hadn't seen in quite some time. Check out the pictures below that my sis took .

The table beautifully decorated with delicious cupcakes made by the master baker..my sister!

An up close look at the cupcakes....pink icing of course for the babies!

You want one don't you?? I have some at my house...but I am not someone who shares my food. Haha!

The yummy food. My sister made a delicious mango salsa and strawberry lemonade.

A view of the decorations with my mom as the model. Isn't she lovely!

A side view that of course shows off how thin my sis and mom are compared to my large belly. Why did we take this photo? Is this supposed to make me feel good? haha! That belly means my girls are growing...I wouldn't trade it!

Bed Rest Book Club
So at my shower, a dear friend of my mom's (and mine!), gave me the book Heaven is for Real. This had been a recommendation for me to read and I was excited to have a copy. Well I've already finished it and it was amazing. I highly highly recommend everyone read it. It's an easy read with deep spiritual insight that will make you cry and smile and long for heaven even more. For me, my view of death changed when we lost Ivy. Elizabeth Edwards once said, "When you put a child in the ground, death no longer seems scary." That statement became true for me. Not that I was ever scared of heaven, just the idea of death is such an unknown. But when we lost our baby Ivy I knew she was in heaven with Jesus and a new longing for heaven came over me. If she was in heaven...then I wanted to be there with her and my Savior! Of course not wanting to die right now, but whenever Jesus calls me home.
The boy who went to heaven in the book tells his parents that he saw his sister in heaven. His mom had a miscarriage, but the little boy had never known about it. He was telling them that baby was a girl and she was in heaven. What a comforting thought and vision. The way he describes Jesus is also so beautiful. As he talked about his sister in the book I just had visions of Ivy in heaven, sitting in Jesus' lap and enjoying eternity. He has many more stories and amazing visions that make you love God more and more and long for heaven in a new way. A must read!


Have a blessed day!
Jamie