Memories

But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
Psalm 3:3

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 126:5

Happy Saturday! The sun is shining today after a few dreary rainy days and I am soaking up the sun. I finished the book, Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman, and I must say it brought up so many memories for me. Mary Beth writes about the devastating loss of her daughter, Maria Sue. As a mother who has lost too many children, I could relate to her journey and her honesty. Her husband, the wonderful Steven Curtis Chapman, has written the most beautiful songs with God inspired lyrics, dedicated to their precious daughter. I underlined and ear marked so many pages of this book, it will forever be a comfort to me.

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "With Hope")

As I look back over the last 3 years leading up to now, the above words were the theme of our lives. I continue to wait and hold on with hope for my girls to be in my arms. I think of the days I waited for Ivy...always with hope. Now I wait for Ivy and Ephraim, knowing I won't see them on earth again, but waiting for the day I will see them in heaven. Knowing we will be with our children even longer in eternity than here on earth brings me comfort...most days that is.

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey

But this is where we are

And our God is in control

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "Our God is in Control")

I am continually reminded that God is in control. As Erik and I celebrated our anniversary a few days ago, we looked back at each year of our marriage. The beginning of our marriage came with financial and job struggles, the second half has come with infertility, loss, and renewed joy. We made plans, like everyone does, and our plans were obviously not God's plans. God has made it clear that He knows what he's doing and we need to TRUST Him. In the book, Mary Beth had a chapter called - We Can Do Hard. I feel that way about Erik and I....We Can Do Hard. We've done hard and I know that more trials will come....but what we have is greater than any trial...we have love and we have God. I don't know how to live without God. Our marriage has become stronger through our trials, even the loss of our precious children.

When you realize the dreams you've had
For your child won't come true
Jesus will meet you there...
(Steven Curtis Chapman, "Jesus Will Meet You There")

So many dreams we had from the beginning of our marriage have turned into losses. We had dreams for Ivy. The day she was still born and as I held her in my arms, I told her all the dreams I had for her. Never did I realize the legacy her short life would leave behind on earth. God's dreams for her were different than mine. We also had dreams for Ephraim, our son. God also has dreams for him in heaven and on earth. As these dreams faded away with the loss of our little ones...Jesus will meet us here.

Christianity doesn't deny the reality of suffering and evil.
Our hope....is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather, it is based on the conviction that we will triumph over suffering.
(Brennan Manning)

Triumph over suffering. Jesus triumphed over suffering and death. God triumphed over seeing Jesus' suffering and death. Erik said the other day that he never thought we would have that in common with God...the death of a child, a son. No matter how old your child is when you lose them, whether at birth or age 50...they are still your child. With God, we can triumph over suffering and give Him all the glory.

May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand

which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself.
(James Hudson Taylor)

Only God can fill the void in my heart. As my heart aches each day for the loss of Ivy and Ephraim...God fills it with himself and his undying love.

There is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it.
(C.S. Lewis)

A very true statement above. We must trudge through the suffering always knowing God has gone ahead of us and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. For me, that light at the end of the tunnel felt like it would never come. When I became pregnant with triplets...the light shone so bright I needed sunglasses. Now that my triplets are twins...the light is flickering a bit, but I know it will be bright again. The tears will flow now from my eyes, but I can PRAY and TRUST that God is in CONTROL.

Thanks for reading my thoughts all you loyal friends.
Love to you all,
Jamie