Moments of Joy and Sadness

We were surrounded by our family and friends as we dedicated our babies to the Lord on Sunday, October 2nd. What a day it was! A day filled with love, grief, and new joy.

Tears of joy flowing from my eyes...not a dry eye in the church. As our dear friends and our pastor prayed for us I could not contain my emotions. We had waited so very long for this day. We had waited to present our babies to the Lord, He gave them to us as a gift and now we were dedicating them back to Him. Beautiful prayers were lifted up to Him...prayers for the girls to know Jesus at a young age, prayers for Erik and I as parents to be wise and godly parents.
"I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you Hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse continually came to my mind that day. A familiar verse I had held onto for many years as we struggled to have children. It continues to remind me that God has a plan for our family and it's amazing to see that plan come to fruition. My 2 precious girls bring me such joy and I feel truly blessed. God's timing is always the best...I could not have said that a year ago, but so thankful I can say that today!

On October 12th, 2011, Ivy Allison would have been 3 years old. We were able to honor her on her birthday with another visit to the Precious Moments Chapel. Last year, on her 2nd birthday, we purchased a brick to be placed outside the chapel. Above is a picture of the brick. We feel like this is another way to honor her memory. This year going to the chapel was bittersweet..we got to bring our daughters with us...a tradition that will live on for many many years.

Here are the girls are dressed up for Ivy's birthday and getting a picture with her brick. Each year when we go to the chapel we walk around the chapel and always end up in small room with a few pews...a room dedicated to the artists son, who died as a teenager. Each year we pray and cry in this room...it is a place of great comfort. However this year brought something new...a poopy diaper...now I don't mean to make light of this, but I loved knowing we had to change our daughters poopy diaper. Can you call that a blessing? I do! So, needless to say we didn't get to spend much time in that room this year. At the chapel there are also several books you can write in, to remember loved ones in heaven. We write a little note each year. After I wrote the note for this year, I looked back at what we had written the past 2 years. It's amazing to see the changes each year. I can see true healing in what we've written each year. As we walked through the chapel this year I didn't shed a tear. I told Erik that I didn't understand why I wasn't crying this year. I am still sad about losing Ivy, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but my heart is healing. There will always be a piece of my heart with Ivy, but now I have two precious girls to fill the emptiness I felt for so many years. I feel healing and I am making huge steps in that process. The day Ivy was born she was wrapped in a pink blanket, a blanket I have slept with every single night since Oct. 12 2008. I used to cling to that blanket...to her memory...feeling hopeless. I recently decided to put that blanket in her memory box...a huge step for me. It's hard to describe..I don't want it to seem like I'm letting go of her memory...a mother never ever forgets her baby. But I don't need the blanket to cling to anymore, it was my security and my security should be in God alone. Ivy's 3rd birthday was a day filled with sadness and renewed joy...her sisters and her parents will never forget her!

A baby dedication and a remembrance birthday....what a month it's been. Through it all God is with us.

I AM GOD WITH YOU, for all time and throughout eternity. My perpetual presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant life. Let your mind reverberate with meanings of My Names:Jesus - the Lord saves, and Emmanuel - God with us. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

"You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in Your presence."
Acts 2:28

I will leave you with this photo of the girls playing at home. True Joy when I see them smile!

Playtime on the activity mat! Hope loves it!

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I hope to not go another 6 weeks before updating the blog. Everyday is a new day and I take them as they come. I finally feel like I'm out of that postpartum fog and feeling like a confident mommy!!

Love you all!
Jamie

6 Weeks Old!

Hope Allison smiling at mommy!

(her eye looks funny because she scratched it so bad)

Hope kissing her sister....so sweet.

Genevive praising God while sleeping.

(listening to praise music)

Genevieve and Hope having some sister time!

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. I must admit that I'm still in a bit of a fog. Sleep deprivation has caught up with me and one day tends to run into another day. I do find moments to enjoy my girls each day. They are growing like crazy. At their one month doctor visit Genevieve weighed 8lbs. and Hope weighed 9lbs and they both grew 2 inches. It's been two weeks since that visit, and I can tell they have grown even more. They are changing so much every day.

I've found that doing my normal daily activities is no longer an option. I find it hard to get all the chores done around the house....thank the Lord I have a wonderful husband with a wonderful work schedule who can be home to help me. It feels like laundry needs to be done daily and I still haven't gotten back to cooking dinner regularly...thankfully we've been getting meals from friends. The meals have been a HUGE help. My OCD personality has gotten more relaxed...well it had to with two babies needing me. It feels good to be more relaxed about the neatness of my home. Don't get me wrong it's still picked up and mostly clean, but don't go in the spare room or the nursery....crazy messy in those rooms. I keep thinking I will get those rooms cleaned up and organized, but the days get away from me.

The girls are awake more during the day now and we've been able to have some play time. So, between feeding them every 2-3 hours, playing with them, changing diapers, and feeding myself, not much else gets done. I am loving play time with them. They are doing great with tummy time. Geneveive has found her voice and it's so funny to hear her make noises and watch her face...she knows what she's saying. Hope found her hand the other day and it was so cute to watch her put it up to her face...a whole new discovery for her. They are looking at objects and able to track them with their eyes, they smile at us now and respond to us, their heads and backs are becoming really strong. It's amazing to watch them grow!

It's been hard to have my quiet time with God and to read my bible. So I've improvised...I pray pretty much all day, but I pray out loud when I am feeding the girls. I've also been reading my bible to them each day. I thought well if I can't read it alone, I will read it out loud to them and they can enjoy it too! Each morning when we come downstairs for the day I play praise music during their morning nap. It's such a peaceful way to start the day.

We've been getting out of the house about twice a week. I use to want to be home to feed them and it would stress me out to feed them in public, but that has also become more relaxed. I've gotten more comfortable nursing in public and it's been good for us to get out. Speaking of nursing, it's going really well. However, I am starting to wean them because I am going to have to quit nursing in about a month. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it's really bad right now, so I need to get back on my heavy duty medicine so I can feel better and take better care of my babies. This has been a really difficult decision to stop nursing so early, but my body is badly damaged from years of lack of medicine because we've been trying to conceive for 3 years. I've prayed about and sought counsel from dear friends and family. I know that I need to do what's best for myself and my family in the long run, and that means getting back on medication sooner than later. I've so loved nursing my babies, it's such an incredible experience. It's such a bonding experience for us.

I am hoping to be able to update my blog once a week when Erik is home. I now I will love looking back at my blog entries a year or more from now...because I know I won't remember everything. Erik has been back to work for 5 shifts and I've been pretty much alone for long portions of those days. My mom and amazing sister have been able to help me in the evenings. The evenings is really when I need the most help. The girls are most fussy from 6pm-10pm...the time of day when I am most tired. So having someone here is really helpful. Erik doesn't get home until after 8pm, but right when he gets here he springs into action. I know he misses them when he's gone, so he's ready to help and love on them when he gets home. He's the greatest daddy...and husband!!

Thank you everyone for your prayers these past 6 weeks. Please pray for me as I wean the girls and quit nursing, pray for my emotions as it will be hard to quit and pray for peace. Please also pray for my body as I return to my medication, praying for healing joints.

Love you all,
Jamie

3 1/2 weeks old!

Time is flying by...the girls are almost 1 month old. We are all doing really well. I am so loving motherhood and my girls are so fun. Some days are harder than others and sleep still comes and goes, but overall it's just getting better and better.

Last post I stated my biggest challenges were nursing twins and sleep. Prayers are being answered daily around here, both girls are nursing really well now. We do have our moments still with some struggles, but it is so much better. I am excited to go back to the pediatrician for the one month check up to see how much more weight they have gained. As for sleep, some nights they give us 4 hour stretches and other nights only 2 hour stretches. We look forward to the nights of 4 hour stretches. Because I am so programmed for a feed every 3 hours, I often wake before them and jump out of bed, only to realize they are still asleep and I need to be asleep too.

Both girls are changing so much. Just in the last week Erik and I have noticed changes in them everyday. For one thing they are getting bigger and longer...we had to adjust the straps of the car seats because they have grown so much. They are starting to stay awake more during the day. After I feed them we've been doing tummy time and they've been staying awake through it for an hour or so. I really enjoy the time when they are awake and looking around. They are such happy babies. Yesterday Erik and I were cracking up at Genevieve, she was smiling so much at us and almost sounded like she was laughing too. So very adorable. The other morning I went to give Hope a kiss, thinking she was asleep, and she opened her eyes and gave me a sweet smile. Those are the moments I've waited so long for.

As I was rocking them back to sleep early this morning all I could think about was the day they were born. I feel so much joy when I think of that day. I never want that feeling to go away. I feel a change in myself, a new confidence and overwhelming love. I tell Erik, almost daily, how much I love motherhood and how it feels so natural. God is so very good and all those years of waiting for my babies has come to this....pure JOY. I never thought that I could experience joy without the reminder of all we've lost. A day does not go by that I don't think of my babies in heaven, but now I smile more when I think of them. My life is so different now, just in 3 short weeks, and I am enjoying every minute of it!

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, your gifts, and your encouraging comments.

Love ya,

Jamie (Mommy)

2 Weeks Old!

Mommy loving on her girls!
(Genevieve on left, Hope on right)

They are so adorable, even when they sleep.
(Hope in yellow, Genevieve in pink)

I love this, they have their arms linked....so very sweet.

I can't believe they are 2 weeks old. They are doing so good, growing and thriving. We went to the doctor for the 2 week weight check and they each gained one pound...in 7 days! They are getting big and heavy...not my tiny babies anymore. Each day I am overwhelmed with emotion...not sadness, but incredible joy. I feel so blessed to have my babies home and my love for them is so overwhelming that most days it brings me to tears. We went to church with the girls this past Sunday and all I wanted to do during worship time was cry tears of joy. I was sitting there with the babies that so many people in that room had prayed for, it was an amazing morning. It was communion Sunday and such a blessing to share that time with the girls...our family!

Biggest Challenge = Nursing Twins
Biggest Reward = Nursing Twins

I have been telling everyone that the most challenging part of being a mom of twins is nursing. I haven't quite mastered nursing them at the same time...but I know we will get there. I know that so many moms struggle with nursing challenges and I now understand what that is like. It's also so rewarding and a blessing to be able to nurse them. Baby Genevieve nurses so well and has since she was born, Baby Hope has had more trouble. But mommy is learning to be more and more patient and Hope continues to do better. The Lord encourages me each day. I am using His strength and praying each time I nurse. I lift up my babies to the Lord, knowing He is in control. I rest knowing that my girls are eating enough and gaining weight. Praise God!

2nd Biggest Challenge = Sleep
The girls have their days and nights a little mixed up. They sleep a ton during the day...although it still feels like I feed all day too. Nighttime is a little more active. The hardest part of the night is from 8pm - 12am. They seem to be very fussy during this time and that midnight feed is the hardest for both myself and Erik. Once we get past the 3am feed they sleep quite well and a few nights they have gone 4 hours between feeds....ahhhhhhhh sleep. They are on a good schedule, 3 hours between feeds, and they wake around the same time. 3 hours sounds good, but it goes by so fast. Erik and I have a really good system for feeding time and I'm so very thankful to have such a hands-on husband. He is an amazing daddy! I am confident that by the time he goes back to work I will be able to get through the night feedings on my own. I'm hoping to have them both nursing at the same time by then.

Thank you so much to all of you who have and continue to pray for our family. My two miracles are proof that God answers prayers! Amidst the challenges listed above, this is where we've always wanted to be. This is going to be an amazing season of life for our family! I can't wait to see what else God has planned.

Love you all!
Jamie

Two Miracles Have Arrived!

Genevieve Hannah and Hope Allison

Hope (pink hat) and Genevieve (purple hat) with proud daddy!

My girls and me!

I will praise you; O Lord, with all my heart:
I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name. O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2

The girls are here! Praise the Lord! Hope and Genevieve Bayer arrived on Tuesday, August 9th. Hope entered the world at 9:55am and Genevieve at 10:00am. What a joyous day! A day full of emotion and overwhelming thankfulness.

They are twins, but so very different. It only took me only a little bit to know who was who. Hope looks like her daddy with his beautiful eyes, but she has my lips. Genevieve looks like her mommy, only with a cute little head (unlike her mommy's big head-haha!). It's so fun to just sit and stare at them...we've been waiting so long to look at these precious faces.

Delivery Day!
I was so glad that my body went into labor all on it's own...God's timing of course. My water broke at 12:30am on Tuesday morning. Erik began rushing around preparing us to leave...our car had been packed for 2 weeks. We arrived at the hospital after 1am. Our families also arrived shortly after us. My labor was really intense in the beginning and not much fun. I progressed fairly fast and finally the pain medication took effect just in time to get some rest before I was ready to push! The doctor said it was time and wheeled me off to the delivery room. I was crying as we entered the delivery room. The nurses and doctor asking if I was scared. I had no fear at that point, just pure joy that I was about to deliver my baby girls. The emotions didn't stop. Hope arrived and was immediately put onto my chest, she was crying out the whole time. Hearing her cry was music to my ears...still is. I kissed her and off she went to get clean while I pushed out her sister 5 minutes later. Again, hearing her cry was beautiful. The delivery room was emotional once they both arrived safe and sound. The nurses were crying and even our doctor had a teary eyed moment with us. Our doctor had been with us when we lost Ivy almost 3 years ago as well as one of our nurses. God gave us the same team that day that we had that fateful day in the past. It was amazing to share our new joy with both of them. A truly happy ending! It went so fast that before I knew it we were back in the room surrounded by emotional family members. What a morning it was!

The day just continued to get better and better. The girls were measured and weighed. Hope was 6lbs. 13oz. and 19" long. Genevieve was 6lbs. 3oz. and 18 1/2" long. They are perfect and healthy! All we wanted to do was enjoy them and stare at the beautiful faces God created just for us.

We only stayed in the hospital for 2 days and we are now home. This is now the beginning of our new life with our new family. Erik and I are of course exhausted and sleep comes and goes, but we feel truly blessed to be here in our home with our baby girls....this day felt like it would never come. So I sit here typing and watching my babies sleep silently, oh how beautiful they are. Thank you to all of you for praying for these two miracles. It is going to be an amazing journey.

Love to you all.
I will keep you posted on week 1 with the twins!

Jamie

The wait is almost over....

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
Colossians 4:2

Hold my hand and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings. I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to heaven. Don't worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.
(Devotional: Jesus Calling)

I know it's been forever since I updated the blog, but I really wanted my next post to be announcing the arrival of the babies. So much for that. Erik and I are both doing a lot better with our fears and anxiety. Thank you for your prayers during this time. My doctor has given us an end date...Thank the Lord! If I do not go into labor on my own this week, my doctor will induce me on August 15th. It's officially a countdown....9 days or less! I perked up so much when the doctor gave us a date. I've never really been pro induction, but the doctor feels that the girls need to come before 39 weeks. So that is what the date is based upon. My doctor has let me go longer than I thought he would because the girls and I are all doing so well. My blood pressure has been great, I've had minimal swelling, and the girls continue to do great on the non-stress tests. I feel confident in the doctors decision and I feel peace from the Lord that He is in control.

I must tell you how the Lord reached out to me today. My sister and I were shopping at the grocery store (I can walk around more now that I am so close to delivering) and it seemed like I was a public spectacle. People around the store would ask; "You look like your ready to pop, when are you due?" , "When are you due, are you having a boy or girl?". So my answer always has "twins" in it, and this really intrigues people. So after I say twins I get a ton more questions. Two ladies came up and asked those questions and the one woman congratulated me and even hugged me, then she asked if she could pray for me...right there the middle of the store, my sister and I are staring to cry and this woman is holding my belly and praying for me and my babies. It was beautiful! Not accidental by any means...the Lord planned that encounter and it was so amazing. I wish I could be like that woman and just pray for people in the middle of the grocery store. God is so good!

Well my dear friends I must say Thank You for reading my blog, for praying for my family, for loving us and supporting us during this pregnancy. This pregnancy has had it's highs and lows. It was so amazing to find out 9 months ago that I was pregnant with triplets, devastating 4 months in to find out we lost our son Ephraim, and now joyous to know our girls will join the world very soon. The Lord has certainly entrusted us with a lot of pain, but the joy is coming and I know it will be truly amazing! I will be so excited to post a picture of my two beautiful baby girls...very soon!!! Then stay tuned to the blog as this journey with twins truly begins!

Love to you all.
Jamie

Waiting....waiting

Wait: remain until something occurs, remain undone

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

I pray to God - my life a prayer -
and wait for what he'll say and do.
My soul waits for the Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
Psalm 130:5-6 (The Message)

Can you guess the theme of this blog entry....WAIT. Waiting seems to be the theme of our lives for about 4 years now. What a wait it has been. I am now in my 36th week of pregnancy. What a great place to be right? It is yes, but now I'm ready more than ever for the girls to be born. Erik and I will talk to the girls about going to the light..haha! But what I told Erik the other day is that we need to talk to the one who knows their birthday...God. He has this planned out, we just wish he would share it with us. But yes we know that is not how He works. So we continue to WAIT.

There has been so much build up in this pregnancy, even my family is on edge waiting for these girls. After getting the great results from our ultrasound last week we now know the girls are healthy and can be born safe and sound. However, as I continue to be reminded, each day they are still in my uterus is a good day because they can continue to grow and everything can continue to develop in a safe place.

Psalm 27:14, shown above, was a psalm given to us after we lost Ivy. So, we've been strong, waiting for the Lord for almost 3 years since that life changing day. And of course the Lord never ceases to amaze us...as we sit here waiting for our twin daughters to join the world. As we go through these last few days, or maybe this last week, we are both struggling with anxiety. But each day I am reminded to remain calm, I can't rush this process, it's out of my control. Prayers for us, especially Erik, would be great. Erik is struggling with anxiety for the first time in his life... extreme anxiety. We've been praying about it and he has spoken with a few close male friends, one a pastor, and one who has himself struggled with anxiety. What he has realized is that he is suffering this due to the post traumatic stress after the death of Ivy. Being at the end of this pregnancy is causing us both flashbacks. When these flashbacks occur, we are both focusing on the fact that this is July 2011 and listing all the things that are different now. It is not October 2008, we are different, this pregnancy is different, the circumstances are different, and we must turn to our comforter, our Lord, our Savior.

Search for Me and My messages, as you go through this day.
You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with your whole being.
(Devotional: Jesus Calling)

Thanks for reading and praying dear friends. I pray that the next post on this blog will be announcing the arrival of Hope and Genevieve Bayer!
Love you all,
Jamie