Waiting....waiting

Wait: remain until something occurs, remain undone

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

I pray to God - my life a prayer -
and wait for what he'll say and do.
My soul waits for the Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
Psalm 130:5-6 (The Message)

Can you guess the theme of this blog entry....WAIT. Waiting seems to be the theme of our lives for about 4 years now. What a wait it has been. I am now in my 36th week of pregnancy. What a great place to be right? It is yes, but now I'm ready more than ever for the girls to be born. Erik and I will talk to the girls about going to the light..haha! But what I told Erik the other day is that we need to talk to the one who knows their birthday...God. He has this planned out, we just wish he would share it with us. But yes we know that is not how He works. So we continue to WAIT.

There has been so much build up in this pregnancy, even my family is on edge waiting for these girls. After getting the great results from our ultrasound last week we now know the girls are healthy and can be born safe and sound. However, as I continue to be reminded, each day they are still in my uterus is a good day because they can continue to grow and everything can continue to develop in a safe place.

Psalm 27:14, shown above, was a psalm given to us after we lost Ivy. So, we've been strong, waiting for the Lord for almost 3 years since that life changing day. And of course the Lord never ceases to amaze us...as we sit here waiting for our twin daughters to join the world. As we go through these last few days, or maybe this last week, we are both struggling with anxiety. But each day I am reminded to remain calm, I can't rush this process, it's out of my control. Prayers for us, especially Erik, would be great. Erik is struggling with anxiety for the first time in his life... extreme anxiety. We've been praying about it and he has spoken with a few close male friends, one a pastor, and one who has himself struggled with anxiety. What he has realized is that he is suffering this due to the post traumatic stress after the death of Ivy. Being at the end of this pregnancy is causing us both flashbacks. When these flashbacks occur, we are both focusing on the fact that this is July 2011 and listing all the things that are different now. It is not October 2008, we are different, this pregnancy is different, the circumstances are different, and we must turn to our comforter, our Lord, our Savior.

Search for Me and My messages, as you go through this day.
You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with your whole being.
(Devotional: Jesus Calling)

Thanks for reading and praying dear friends. I pray that the next post on this blog will be announcing the arrival of Hope and Genevieve Bayer!
Love you all,
Jamie

35 Weeks!

Hey friends! The amazing pictures above were taken by a dear friend who is a wonderful photographer. I plan to continue to share more of the pictures on the blog. It was so fun to document this time in our lives and this God-ordained pregnancy!

I am officially 35 weeks....and the countdown is really on now. I had an ultrasound yesterday, my last one, and the girls look amazing. They are still both head down, so I can deliver naturally! They are healthy and strong, Hope now weighs 6lbs. 2oz. and Genevieve is 5lbs. 15oz. No wonder my belly feels so heavy, I have 12 lbs of little girls inside me. Is that amazing or what?! So these girls can come out any time now. My doctor also said that I will not have to do steroids for the girls lungs because after 34 weeks the lungs are fully developed. So that was exciting to hear. They continue to do well on all the non-stress tests. The pregnancy is progressing as it should be...Thank you Lord!

Erik and I are ready to see these babies. This pregnancy has been amazing and so wanted. However with so much build up and excitement, we are ready for our "happy ending". It feels like I've been pregnant forever, and I think it's getting harder because I've been on bed rest and now carrying extra weight my body is wearing out on me. This heat doesn't help matters either, why did this have to be the summer of extreme heat? No more complaining...now my focus needs to be on labor & delivery. I have this anxious excitement in the pit of my stomach when I think about delivering these girls. Then when I think about bringing them home I feel even more anxious....how will I know what to do with them? I hear how crazy it is learning with one baby, how do I do it with two babies? I know I will have tons of help and support....but I'm the mom and I really want to know what I'm doing. It's the fear of the unknown...who knows what it will look like with twins...what will my days look like....will they be good sleepers....will they nurse...???? AHHHHHHHH...I'm making myself crazy..hope I'm not making you all crazy. I'm sure these are questions many mothers ask themselves...please say they are. I just needed to get that off my chest. Now I need to give to the Lord and ask Him to equip me to be the mother he wants me to be. He blessed me with these girls, and He knows what I need! I will find my strength in Him!

Prayer Request:
Please be praying, as we get closer to delivery, for the health and safety of both the girls and myself. Also please pray for Erik and I as our emotions will be all over the place when I do go into labor. We are both nervous about what that will look like. With my first pregnancy, when we lost Ivy, my water broke first and I labored at home for several hours. It wasn't until we got to the hospital that we found out we had lost her and she would be stillborn. So the dilemma becomes, if my water breaks first this time, how will we react. It's like a soldier with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the flashbacks to Ivy's birth may hit us and cause major emotional issues. We both know that this delivery will be emotional regardless, there will be tears of joy and sadness. We would love your prayers and we know God will protect us.

Love to you all!
Jamie

Hanging in there!

Hi Friends! This picture was taken at our salon...oh how I love a relaxing hour at the salon. We got fun new haircuts! What a day we had on Friday...the morning started with our weekly doctor appointment, the doctor checked me and Hope's head continues to get lower...my cervix is now behind her head so he couldn't determine exact number of dilation, but progress is being made! I realize I can walk around for two more weeks being dilated, but it excites me to think my body is progressing as it should! After the doctor appointment we headed to our Non-stress test, where the girls did amazing as usual...heart rates are going up and down and movement is good. By the time the test was over I was ready for lunch so we went to Cheesecake Factory, my favorite. After lunch, I was pretty exhausted, so Erik cranked up the air in the van and we both took a short snooze for 20 minutes. Then we headed off to the salon for haircuts, which is always a treat. Finally we headed home after a long exhausting day. I love getting out, but this day was a bit exhausting...needless to say I did sleep well that night. I must mention the funny part of the afternoon. The girls were wild with movement all day long and at one point Erik had music playing on his IPhone and decided to set it on my top of my belly which is where Genevieve is, she went crazy it was so fun to watch my belly move around, she's our dancer. At times it was like she was moving to the beat...so much fun to see!

My Thoughts:
After I read your comments and even some of your personal emails, it brings me to tears to see how my life impacts other people. As I thought about this the other day and reflected I had to write down the following; When I see other people relating to our story or finding hope through it, I feel truly blessed that God is using me and my life for His purpose. I am living proof that God is at work. I've gone from utter despair after a tragedy to triumph over that tragedy. My suffering has not been meaningless.
How fitting that the last line of my devotional today was: As you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.
That is exactly what this blog is doing, blessing others through me...me, Jamie Bayer....hard to imagine how God will use us, but I am incredibly blessed He Chose Me.

I continue to study David through the Beth Moore study. In studying this week I found great comfort as Beth reminded us to reflect on things God has done for us. Beth says; Reflecting on things worth remembering deepens our relationship with our Savior.

The following scripture references were given as reminders:
Remember the miracles of God long ago. Psalm 77:11
Remember how fleeting life is. Psalm 89:47
Remember the Lord's name at night. Psalm 119:55
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35
Thank God when you remember a fellow believer. Philippians 1:3

Remember...Be Thankful....Be Blessed. Come away with the Lord for awhile, it's worth every minute!

The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.
Song of Songs 2:13

Love to all of you. May you be encouraged today. Remember to keep pressing into Him, our suffering is never meaningless.
Jamie

34 Weeks!

I've made it to another milestone, 34 weeks! I realize my belly isn't as huge as many people think it should be....and I must admit I am tired of hearing people say, "wow twins, your belly is so small for twins." It's as if people don't believe two babies are inside my uterus. Trust me they are both in there and growing strong. Erik says that they must be saying I look good and that I should be flattered. And to that I say...then just tell me I look good, don't comment on the size of my uterus. I'm healthy and my babies are healthy...enough said. Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. Hormones...they kind of make me crazy.

Because I've been in my house so very much for so very many months...the small things are exciting to me. Some days the highlight of my day is riding in the van to Sonic for a cherry limeade. Now with doctor appointments and non-stress tests twice each week that is what I look forward to. Those are the days I shower, put on makeup, and dress in real clothes. I love those days. Now with the heat sweltering, I haven't even been able to go to the pool. It's just too hot, I think the pool water may feel like bath water and not be refreshing at all. So I sit in my air conditioned home...waiting. Thank God for air conditioning....it's a blessing!

Sitting here is making my mind go a bit crazy. I feel like there are so many things still to think about and do before babies arrive. I've been reading about everything from breastfeeding to immunizations. So much information...so much to learn. It's hard to be totally prepared for one baby, so what does it look like for two babies? I know that I over analyze and try to figure it all out. But what I'm learning is, I just have to cross each bridge as I come to it and pray, pray, pray. God has entrusted these babies to me, and He will guide me in my challenges of motherhood. I've gotten so much good advice and so much support from my mommy friends. So all of you mommies out there, after the babies arrive if you receive a call early in the morning or late at night..it's probably me needing that advice or support. I can't forget the support of my amazing husband....he knows more than I do. Because he's a pediatric nurse, he's been teaching me so much. I think I've asked the same questions 10 times, but he's so patient with me and always answers graciously. He hopes to be home for 3-4 weeks after the babies arrive, which will be so wonderful. He is not going to want to leave his girls for a second. He's so sweet with them now, I am so excited to see them in his arms.

What's Jamie Reading?
It's been awhile since I've talked about the books I've been reading, but don't worry I haven't slowed down. Like I said above right now I'm reading mostly baby related books, including; The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding from La Leche League International and Healing the New Childhood Epidemics (Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies) by Kenneth Bock. Two huge books with tons and tons of great information.
For fun I'm reading, Dear Harry, Love Bess by Clifton Truman Daniel. The book is a culmination of Bess Truman's letters to Harry Truman. The fun part of this book is my sisters name is listed under the Acknowledgments. My little sister, Kate Schuler, helped the author Clifton Daniel with transcribing the letters from Harry and Bess. I even helped her a few times. So fun to see her name in print in a published book! She's famous to me! Love ya Kate!


Thanks for reading!
Jamie

It's July!

Well I am into my 33rd week of pregnancy and getting a bit antsy...Erik is even more antsy, he can't contain himself. Although we are antsy, there still seems to be things to get done before the girls arrive. I keep thinking of small things I need to shop for and have on hand. I told Erik today that I am feeling a bit inadequate as a new mom. I may have been pregnant and given birth before, but the part where you bring home the baby is all new to me. I have a lot to learn and I know it will come, but I am getting a bit nervous about the learning process. New mom anxiety I guess. I have joined a new mom's small group at church and hopefully I can learn from other mommies and get lots of good advice.

I want to thank everyone for your prayers for sleep...keep em coming. I have had some restful nights. I did talk to my doctor and he gave me some medicine to help me sleep as well. Thank the Lord!

I need to say a huge THANK YOU to all you faithful blog readers. I so appreciate your words of encouragement, both as comments on the blog and on Erik's faceboook page. I also love getting your cards in the mail, and I even received a cute comic strip the other day...Snoopy talking about sleep. So fun! There are so many of you out there reading...some of you I don't know and may never meet. I can only pray that the Lord is using this blog to draw all of you closer to Him as I share my journey. Some of you have asked if I plan to blog after the girls arrive and the answer is yes! I plan to share and document my journey for you to read and for my girls to read someday. I know it will be tough to get to the computer those first months, but even if it's not me typing...I will post something. I have an amazing sister who will post updates and keep the blog going while I am in twin mode.

My emotions have been better this week and I feel a lightness in my heart. I surrendered so much to the Lord and I finally feel like I let things go and realized I cannot control anything. I will continue to have my struggles each day, but I do feel more at peace. I am really enjoying my new devotional and the other day the following words really spoke to me.

Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy. You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. I am always doing something new within My beloved ones. Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you.
I continue to remind myself of all the Lord has done in the past and believe in all that He can do in my future. He is trustworthy and he has a plan. Each day that we get closer to seeing our babies, is another day the Lord has created for us. When Erik and I were struggling with infertility and going through treatments the Lord reminded me that my ultimate goal in life is not being a mother, but growing closer to Him and doing His will. Although now I know His will includes being a mother, He wants so much more of me. My relationship with Him is the key to all of life. I really needed that reminder when I was deep into wanting my own desires to be fulfilled. I want to be watching, on the lookout, for all He has prepared for me. The following scripture is one I have memorized and refer to each time I allow fear to take over my mind.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
Psalm 56:3-4

Much love to you all.
Jamie

A Lazy Saturday

My lazy Mollie pictured above. We have taken a zillion pictures of Mollie for the last 7 years, I can't imagine how many more pictures we will take of our daughters! I plan to capture every second of their lives that I can!

Pregnancy Stuff: Ok, so my belly button is no longer. It is so stretched...I don't like touching it because it feels so weird...I'm wondering what it will look like after my belly returns to normal. I should say the new normal, my body will look very different. I know how much it changed with my first pregnancy and this time my stomach has stretched even more. Oh the changes we women go through for our children! I also wondered if insomnia is a pregnancy related issue. I am having so much trouble sleeping. I don't like to complain, because this pregnancy was so wanted, I just need to vent occasionally (all you mama's understand right?). Obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep, and I am having issues with restless legs, but this past week I've been having insomnia. I will feel utterly exhausted and go to bed at like 10:00pm only to still be awake at 12am. What is up with that? This morning I got up and told Erik, "I don't even know if I slept last night." I'm sure I did, but not very consistently. So for all those readers out there who pray...please pray for sleep for me. Thanks for listening to me vent and for praying!

Me and My Lord:
So it's been an emotional week for me as two of my dear friends have given birth this week to beautiful baby girls. I am truly excited for these babies to be here, but also even more ready for my girls to be here, and continuing to struggle with trusting God that they will be in my arms soon. Erik got me a new devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. After having an emotional morning I opened it and the words spoke to me and the scriptures refreshed my soul. I love that about the bible, every time I open it, it truly quenches my thirst and refreshes me. My favorite quote from the devotional: Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplish what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of absolute trust in Me. Underneath are the everlasting arms! I love that last sentence about diving into absolute TRUST. I need to dive in and not look back...His arms will be underneath me. As hard as it is, I'm taking one day at a time and resting in Him. Each week we continue to receive good news about the girls, all of our non-stress tests have been successful thus far and each visit the doctor tells me how well things are going. Then why, why, why do I doubt? It's as if I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I'm really not a negative person, but this journey is joyous and painful....and to be honest I need a break from painful. It feels as though all the trials in my adult life have involved my children...sending 3 of them to heaven. My mind is my enemy at this point, not shutting off and analyzing too much. I continually tell myself to rest in the facts and to rest in the Lord. The facts show my babies are amazing. The Lord brings me peace in the facts. I will get through this! The Lord has plans for me, to give me a hope and a future. I will keep pressing into Him as each doubt creeps in, as each tear streams down my face, and as each day brings new challenges. His mercies are new every day!

The scripture from today's devotional. I hope it encourages you!

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 5:2-3

The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the ever lasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27

Love and blessings to all my readers! Thanks for reading my thoughts. Open the bible today and be refreshed!
Jamie