05 May 2011

Thoughts of Mother's Day

But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me."
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
Isaiah 49:14-16

Mother's Day has been an emotional day for me for the past 3 years. I've been a mom for 3 years...but my children are not with me on earth. It's hard to show you are a mom, when the world can't see your children. My first Mother's Day was in 2008. I was pregnant with Ivy and so excited to be at church that Sunday and to stand up as they prayed for the mom's in our congregation. I thought, "I'm finally here...I'm a mom". My second Mother's Day was in 2009. I didn't leave my house that day...didn't attend church...didn't even see my own mama. It was just too hard emotionally and God gave me the grace I needed to get through the day. My third Mother's Day was 2010, and I had lost a baby through miscarriage...now 2 babies in heaven and not in my arms. Another Mother's Day spent at home in seclusion thinking..."I feel purposeless. I knew that I was created to be a mom and the Lord had given me that desire deep in my heart, but I couldn't seem to attain motherhood on earth. What was God doing? My faith had been shaken." Little did I know that 2010 would be a life changing year. God led us on a journey in 2010...and we never lost hope, He is our hope.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us." Romans 5:5

As I look back at my journal through this last year and this last effort to conceive I see so much emotion...and a lot of hope. I can see the turning point where I felt that I totally surrendered it all to the Lord. I felt like Erik and I had kind of taken control of my fertility and it came to a point when in utter desperation we had to give it over to God. At that point the Lord showed me that my destination is not really motherhood. Being parents may be part of our journey, but truly fulfilling God's will for our lives is more important.

So as this, my fourth Mother's Day approaches, I am grieving another baby in heaven, my sweet Ephraim. But I am also joyfully celebrating the babies in my womb, Hope and Genevieve. Mother's Day will continue to be an emotional day for me, for many years to come. But I know that God is with me and He is my strength during these hard moments. He's holding my children in heaven and that brings me comfort. God's love is better than life. No one compares!

"He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
2 Corinthians 1:10-11

Have a blessed day!

1 comment:

  1. Mothers day has been been very painful in the past for me dealing with Infertility for 9+ years now. This past January we found out during an ER visit I was approx. 3 days pregnant! We were shocked, we had lost hope (8 failed rounds of clomid, 9+ years and no pregnancy's...) a week later I lost the baby. I was devastated, yet also had a fire of hope set in me that hey I got pregnant! That pregnancy has strengthened our relationship with God and each other. We named our angel baby Hope a day or 2 after we lost him/her, since that is exactly what he/she has given us. Your blog has been comforting to read, it gives me words of comfort from God when I read them, and I wanted to say that I really appreciate that. This mothers day will be the toughest of all for me since it will be my first since loosing my first pregnancy but I know I will get through it, and I will be stronger for it afterwards. God bless <3