I am Thankful

not the greatest picture - but they looked so cute for church

Happy babies!

sleeping with mama

Genevieve

Hope

Now thank we all our God
with heart and hands and voices,
who wondrous things has done,
in whom his world rejoices;
who from our mothers' arms
has blessed us on our way
with countless gifts of love,
and still is ours today.
Hymn - "Now Thank We All Our God"

As Thanksgiving approaches I am thinking back to Thanksgiving one year ago. One year ago Erik and I were heading to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We were putting our faith in God and in the doctors that they would help us conceive a baby. This was our last effort....our last hope. Never did I imagine we would be sitting here a year later with two beautiful baby girls.

That 8 day trip in Michigan was a time of intense prayer, intense medical procedures, and intense love between Erik and I. We pressed into the Lord and he led us to that clinic and he gifted us with two precious children. Our previous suffering was not in vain. I subscribe to a newsletter that offers Christian support for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. I remember re-reading several articles while we were in Michigan last year...some brought me comfort...others brought sadness. I continue to receive that newsletter and reading it now is so very different...I have a new perspective. The front page article this month was "Making Sense Out of Suffering". The following are so excerpts from the article.

Suffering should remind us that God's ultimate plan for our suffering is to transform it into our good. (Romans 8:28)

Suffering can be transformed by God into His glory.
If God blesses you with a child through birth, you may be led to glorify and praise Him with greater depth and feeling than if you'd never experienced infertility.

I do feel a greater joy in motherhood because of my journey to get here. The journey was rough as we were going through it, but each moment with my girls makes that journey so worth it. God has transformed my suffering and I give Him all the glory.


How are the girls?
Hope and Genevieve are doing great. They are growing so fast...it's amazing. They are now 14 weeks old and I can't believe it. They are changing so much. They are cooing, smiling, laughing, and responding to me so much. I really enjoy the interaction I can have with them now. I read books to them each morning and I try to make big facial expressions and they laugh and smile. They may not understand what I'm saying but they sure do think I'm funny! It's fun to see them explore the world more and more. On the bouncy seat and swing I've had these colorful things hanging for them to see for months...now they can see them and they love looking at them. It was so neat one day to see them just stare up and realize that something was there. They just stare and smile. So cute! I love that they can see color better...makes the world a lot more interesting.
They are getting on a good nap schedule....which helps mommy get a few things done and rest. They are still sleeping in our room at night, but during naps they sleep in the nursery. They still sleep together at night and at naps. I think they are comforted by each other. We can put them in bed and they can be far apart, but the next time we look over they are right beside each other. They are very aware of each other. I love that they have a built-in best friend! I know how amazing it is to have a sister and I am so glad they have each other. I pray that they will be best friends...just like me and my sister!!
They go back to the doctor in a few weeks for the 4 month check up. I am looking forward to seeing how much they've grown. They have gotten so long, I have a feeling they are going to be tall like my dad and brothers.

I will leave you with this poem from my newsletter. It makes me ache for women who will never bear a child and makes me thankful that I was blessed to be able to. These are all questions I've struggled with and makes me think of how it's the little things that truly matter. As you read the line about dirty diapers...I have to say that Erik and I almost took a picture of the first trash day after having the girls...all because the trash was filled with diapers. It truly is the small things!

What Would it be like?
What would it be like,
I want to know,
To have a child
As innocent, as pure as snow?

To hear the words:
"Your going to have a baby-
It's for sure, it's for real"
It's not just "maybe".

To go to the doctor
To hear the heart tick?
What would it be like
To feel the baby kick?

What would it be like,
I want to know,
To feel the pain of labor?
It's me this time, not my neighbor

To give the child a name-
Does she have my eyes,
Or does he have his nose?
Our child looks like us both, I suppose.

What would it be like
Dirty diapers in a heap?
I want to know
Long nights without sleep.

What would it be like
To hear the word "mama"?
What would it be like
To hear the word "papa"?

To have dreams for the future
And tell stories of the past?
To pass down our heritage
So our family will last?

What would it be like to
watch him grow up?
To watch him leave the house?
To see him take a spouse?

What would it be like
To have to let go?
To say goodbye?
Will I ever know?

Thank you all my faithful followers for continuing to read my ramblings. This blog is truly therapy for me.
Love you all!
Jamie

Moments of Joy and Sadness

We were surrounded by our family and friends as we dedicated our babies to the Lord on Sunday, October 2nd. What a day it was! A day filled with love, grief, and new joy.

Tears of joy flowing from my eyes...not a dry eye in the church. As our dear friends and our pastor prayed for us I could not contain my emotions. We had waited so very long for this day. We had waited to present our babies to the Lord, He gave them to us as a gift and now we were dedicating them back to Him. Beautiful prayers were lifted up to Him...prayers for the girls to know Jesus at a young age, prayers for Erik and I as parents to be wise and godly parents.
"I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you Hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse continually came to my mind that day. A familiar verse I had held onto for many years as we struggled to have children. It continues to remind me that God has a plan for our family and it's amazing to see that plan come to fruition. My 2 precious girls bring me such joy and I feel truly blessed. God's timing is always the best...I could not have said that a year ago, but so thankful I can say that today!

On October 12th, 2011, Ivy Allison would have been 3 years old. We were able to honor her on her birthday with another visit to the Precious Moments Chapel. Last year, on her 2nd birthday, we purchased a brick to be placed outside the chapel. Above is a picture of the brick. We feel like this is another way to honor her memory. This year going to the chapel was bittersweet..we got to bring our daughters with us...a tradition that will live on for many many years.

Here are the girls are dressed up for Ivy's birthday and getting a picture with her brick. Each year when we go to the chapel we walk around the chapel and always end up in small room with a few pews...a room dedicated to the artists son, who died as a teenager. Each year we pray and cry in this room...it is a place of great comfort. However this year brought something new...a poopy diaper...now I don't mean to make light of this, but I loved knowing we had to change our daughters poopy diaper. Can you call that a blessing? I do! So, needless to say we didn't get to spend much time in that room this year. At the chapel there are also several books you can write in, to remember loved ones in heaven. We write a little note each year. After I wrote the note for this year, I looked back at what we had written the past 2 years. It's amazing to see the changes each year. I can see true healing in what we've written each year. As we walked through the chapel this year I didn't shed a tear. I told Erik that I didn't understand why I wasn't crying this year. I am still sad about losing Ivy, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but my heart is healing. There will always be a piece of my heart with Ivy, but now I have two precious girls to fill the emptiness I felt for so many years. I feel healing and I am making huge steps in that process. The day Ivy was born she was wrapped in a pink blanket, a blanket I have slept with every single night since Oct. 12 2008. I used to cling to that blanket...to her memory...feeling hopeless. I recently decided to put that blanket in her memory box...a huge step for me. It's hard to describe..I don't want it to seem like I'm letting go of her memory...a mother never ever forgets her baby. But I don't need the blanket to cling to anymore, it was my security and my security should be in God alone. Ivy's 3rd birthday was a day filled with sadness and renewed joy...her sisters and her parents will never forget her!

A baby dedication and a remembrance birthday....what a month it's been. Through it all God is with us.

I AM GOD WITH YOU, for all time and throughout eternity. My perpetual presence with you can be a continual source of Joy, springing up and flowing out in streams of abundant life. Let your mind reverberate with meanings of My Names:Jesus - the Lord saves, and Emmanuel - God with us. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

"You have made known to me the ways of life; You will make me full of joy in Your presence."
Acts 2:28

I will leave you with this photo of the girls playing at home. True Joy when I see them smile!

Playtime on the activity mat! Hope loves it!

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I hope to not go another 6 weeks before updating the blog. Everyday is a new day and I take them as they come. I finally feel like I'm out of that postpartum fog and feeling like a confident mommy!!

Love you all!
Jamie

6 Weeks Old!

Hope Allison smiling at mommy!

(her eye looks funny because she scratched it so bad)

Hope kissing her sister....so sweet.

Genevive praising God while sleeping.

(listening to praise music)

Genevieve and Hope having some sister time!

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks. I must admit that I'm still in a bit of a fog. Sleep deprivation has caught up with me and one day tends to run into another day. I do find moments to enjoy my girls each day. They are growing like crazy. At their one month doctor visit Genevieve weighed 8lbs. and Hope weighed 9lbs and they both grew 2 inches. It's been two weeks since that visit, and I can tell they have grown even more. They are changing so much every day.

I've found that doing my normal daily activities is no longer an option. I find it hard to get all the chores done around the house....thank the Lord I have a wonderful husband with a wonderful work schedule who can be home to help me. It feels like laundry needs to be done daily and I still haven't gotten back to cooking dinner regularly...thankfully we've been getting meals from friends. The meals have been a HUGE help. My OCD personality has gotten more relaxed...well it had to with two babies needing me. It feels good to be more relaxed about the neatness of my home. Don't get me wrong it's still picked up and mostly clean, but don't go in the spare room or the nursery....crazy messy in those rooms. I keep thinking I will get those rooms cleaned up and organized, but the days get away from me.

The girls are awake more during the day now and we've been able to have some play time. So, between feeding them every 2-3 hours, playing with them, changing diapers, and feeding myself, not much else gets done. I am loving play time with them. They are doing great with tummy time. Geneveive has found her voice and it's so funny to hear her make noises and watch her face...she knows what she's saying. Hope found her hand the other day and it was so cute to watch her put it up to her face...a whole new discovery for her. They are looking at objects and able to track them with their eyes, they smile at us now and respond to us, their heads and backs are becoming really strong. It's amazing to watch them grow!

It's been hard to have my quiet time with God and to read my bible. So I've improvised...I pray pretty much all day, but I pray out loud when I am feeding the girls. I've also been reading my bible to them each day. I thought well if I can't read it alone, I will read it out loud to them and they can enjoy it too! Each morning when we come downstairs for the day I play praise music during their morning nap. It's such a peaceful way to start the day.

We've been getting out of the house about twice a week. I use to want to be home to feed them and it would stress me out to feed them in public, but that has also become more relaxed. I've gotten more comfortable nursing in public and it's been good for us to get out. Speaking of nursing, it's going really well. However, I am starting to wean them because I am going to have to quit nursing in about a month. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it's really bad right now, so I need to get back on my heavy duty medicine so I can feel better and take better care of my babies. This has been a really difficult decision to stop nursing so early, but my body is badly damaged from years of lack of medicine because we've been trying to conceive for 3 years. I've prayed about and sought counsel from dear friends and family. I know that I need to do what's best for myself and my family in the long run, and that means getting back on medication sooner than later. I've so loved nursing my babies, it's such an incredible experience. It's such a bonding experience for us.

I am hoping to be able to update my blog once a week when Erik is home. I now I will love looking back at my blog entries a year or more from now...because I know I won't remember everything. Erik has been back to work for 5 shifts and I've been pretty much alone for long portions of those days. My mom and amazing sister have been able to help me in the evenings. The evenings is really when I need the most help. The girls are most fussy from 6pm-10pm...the time of day when I am most tired. So having someone here is really helpful. Erik doesn't get home until after 8pm, but right when he gets here he springs into action. I know he misses them when he's gone, so he's ready to help and love on them when he gets home. He's the greatest daddy...and husband!!

Thank you everyone for your prayers these past 6 weeks. Please pray for me as I wean the girls and quit nursing, pray for my emotions as it will be hard to quit and pray for peace. Please also pray for my body as I return to my medication, praying for healing joints.

Love you all,
Jamie

3 1/2 weeks old!

Time is flying by...the girls are almost 1 month old. We are all doing really well. I am so loving motherhood and my girls are so fun. Some days are harder than others and sleep still comes and goes, but overall it's just getting better and better.

Last post I stated my biggest challenges were nursing twins and sleep. Prayers are being answered daily around here, both girls are nursing really well now. We do have our moments still with some struggles, but it is so much better. I am excited to go back to the pediatrician for the one month check up to see how much more weight they have gained. As for sleep, some nights they give us 4 hour stretches and other nights only 2 hour stretches. We look forward to the nights of 4 hour stretches. Because I am so programmed for a feed every 3 hours, I often wake before them and jump out of bed, only to realize they are still asleep and I need to be asleep too.

Both girls are changing so much. Just in the last week Erik and I have noticed changes in them everyday. For one thing they are getting bigger and longer...we had to adjust the straps of the car seats because they have grown so much. They are starting to stay awake more during the day. After I feed them we've been doing tummy time and they've been staying awake through it for an hour or so. I really enjoy the time when they are awake and looking around. They are such happy babies. Yesterday Erik and I were cracking up at Genevieve, she was smiling so much at us and almost sounded like she was laughing too. So very adorable. The other morning I went to give Hope a kiss, thinking she was asleep, and she opened her eyes and gave me a sweet smile. Those are the moments I've waited so long for.

As I was rocking them back to sleep early this morning all I could think about was the day they were born. I feel so much joy when I think of that day. I never want that feeling to go away. I feel a change in myself, a new confidence and overwhelming love. I tell Erik, almost daily, how much I love motherhood and how it feels so natural. God is so very good and all those years of waiting for my babies has come to this....pure JOY. I never thought that I could experience joy without the reminder of all we've lost. A day does not go by that I don't think of my babies in heaven, but now I smile more when I think of them. My life is so different now, just in 3 short weeks, and I am enjoying every minute of it!

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, your gifts, and your encouraging comments.

Love ya,

Jamie (Mommy)

2 Weeks Old!

Mommy loving on her girls!
(Genevieve on left, Hope on right)

They are so adorable, even when they sleep.
(Hope in yellow, Genevieve in pink)

I love this, they have their arms linked....so very sweet.

I can't believe they are 2 weeks old. They are doing so good, growing and thriving. We went to the doctor for the 2 week weight check and they each gained one pound...in 7 days! They are getting big and heavy...not my tiny babies anymore. Each day I am overwhelmed with emotion...not sadness, but incredible joy. I feel so blessed to have my babies home and my love for them is so overwhelming that most days it brings me to tears. We went to church with the girls this past Sunday and all I wanted to do during worship time was cry tears of joy. I was sitting there with the babies that so many people in that room had prayed for, it was an amazing morning. It was communion Sunday and such a blessing to share that time with the girls...our family!

Biggest Challenge = Nursing Twins
Biggest Reward = Nursing Twins

I have been telling everyone that the most challenging part of being a mom of twins is nursing. I haven't quite mastered nursing them at the same time...but I know we will get there. I know that so many moms struggle with nursing challenges and I now understand what that is like. It's also so rewarding and a blessing to be able to nurse them. Baby Genevieve nurses so well and has since she was born, Baby Hope has had more trouble. But mommy is learning to be more and more patient and Hope continues to do better. The Lord encourages me each day. I am using His strength and praying each time I nurse. I lift up my babies to the Lord, knowing He is in control. I rest knowing that my girls are eating enough and gaining weight. Praise God!

2nd Biggest Challenge = Sleep
The girls have their days and nights a little mixed up. They sleep a ton during the day...although it still feels like I feed all day too. Nighttime is a little more active. The hardest part of the night is from 8pm - 12am. They seem to be very fussy during this time and that midnight feed is the hardest for both myself and Erik. Once we get past the 3am feed they sleep quite well and a few nights they have gone 4 hours between feeds....ahhhhhhhh sleep. They are on a good schedule, 3 hours between feeds, and they wake around the same time. 3 hours sounds good, but it goes by so fast. Erik and I have a really good system for feeding time and I'm so very thankful to have such a hands-on husband. He is an amazing daddy! I am confident that by the time he goes back to work I will be able to get through the night feedings on my own. I'm hoping to have them both nursing at the same time by then.

Thank you so much to all of you who have and continue to pray for our family. My two miracles are proof that God answers prayers! Amidst the challenges listed above, this is where we've always wanted to be. This is going to be an amazing season of life for our family! I can't wait to see what else God has planned.

Love you all!
Jamie

Two Miracles Have Arrived!

Genevieve Hannah and Hope Allison

Hope (pink hat) and Genevieve (purple hat) with proud daddy!

My girls and me!

I will praise you; O Lord, with all my heart:
I will tell of all your wonders.
I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name. O Most High.
Psalm 9:1-2

The girls are here! Praise the Lord! Hope and Genevieve Bayer arrived on Tuesday, August 9th. Hope entered the world at 9:55am and Genevieve at 10:00am. What a joyous day! A day full of emotion and overwhelming thankfulness.

They are twins, but so very different. It only took me only a little bit to know who was who. Hope looks like her daddy with his beautiful eyes, but she has my lips. Genevieve looks like her mommy, only with a cute little head (unlike her mommy's big head-haha!). It's so fun to just sit and stare at them...we've been waiting so long to look at these precious faces.

Delivery Day!
I was so glad that my body went into labor all on it's own...God's timing of course. My water broke at 12:30am on Tuesday morning. Erik began rushing around preparing us to leave...our car had been packed for 2 weeks. We arrived at the hospital after 1am. Our families also arrived shortly after us. My labor was really intense in the beginning and not much fun. I progressed fairly fast and finally the pain medication took effect just in time to get some rest before I was ready to push! The doctor said it was time and wheeled me off to the delivery room. I was crying as we entered the delivery room. The nurses and doctor asking if I was scared. I had no fear at that point, just pure joy that I was about to deliver my baby girls. The emotions didn't stop. Hope arrived and was immediately put onto my chest, she was crying out the whole time. Hearing her cry was music to my ears...still is. I kissed her and off she went to get clean while I pushed out her sister 5 minutes later. Again, hearing her cry was beautiful. The delivery room was emotional once they both arrived safe and sound. The nurses were crying and even our doctor had a teary eyed moment with us. Our doctor had been with us when we lost Ivy almost 3 years ago as well as one of our nurses. God gave us the same team that day that we had that fateful day in the past. It was amazing to share our new joy with both of them. A truly happy ending! It went so fast that before I knew it we were back in the room surrounded by emotional family members. What a morning it was!

The day just continued to get better and better. The girls were measured and weighed. Hope was 6lbs. 13oz. and 19" long. Genevieve was 6lbs. 3oz. and 18 1/2" long. They are perfect and healthy! All we wanted to do was enjoy them and stare at the beautiful faces God created just for us.

We only stayed in the hospital for 2 days and we are now home. This is now the beginning of our new life with our new family. Erik and I are of course exhausted and sleep comes and goes, but we feel truly blessed to be here in our home with our baby girls....this day felt like it would never come. So I sit here typing and watching my babies sleep silently, oh how beautiful they are. Thank you to all of you for praying for these two miracles. It is going to be an amazing journey.

Love to you all.
I will keep you posted on week 1 with the twins!

Jamie

The wait is almost over....

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
Colossians 4:2

Hold my hand and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures and endure the difficulties it brings. I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to heaven. Don't worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me.
(Devotional: Jesus Calling)

I know it's been forever since I updated the blog, but I really wanted my next post to be announcing the arrival of the babies. So much for that. Erik and I are both doing a lot better with our fears and anxiety. Thank you for your prayers during this time. My doctor has given us an end date...Thank the Lord! If I do not go into labor on my own this week, my doctor will induce me on August 15th. It's officially a countdown....9 days or less! I perked up so much when the doctor gave us a date. I've never really been pro induction, but the doctor feels that the girls need to come before 39 weeks. So that is what the date is based upon. My doctor has let me go longer than I thought he would because the girls and I are all doing so well. My blood pressure has been great, I've had minimal swelling, and the girls continue to do great on the non-stress tests. I feel confident in the doctors decision and I feel peace from the Lord that He is in control.

I must tell you how the Lord reached out to me today. My sister and I were shopping at the grocery store (I can walk around more now that I am so close to delivering) and it seemed like I was a public spectacle. People around the store would ask; "You look like your ready to pop, when are you due?" , "When are you due, are you having a boy or girl?". So my answer always has "twins" in it, and this really intrigues people. So after I say twins I get a ton more questions. Two ladies came up and asked those questions and the one woman congratulated me and even hugged me, then she asked if she could pray for me...right there the middle of the store, my sister and I are staring to cry and this woman is holding my belly and praying for me and my babies. It was beautiful! Not accidental by any means...the Lord planned that encounter and it was so amazing. I wish I could be like that woman and just pray for people in the middle of the grocery store. God is so good!

Well my dear friends I must say Thank You for reading my blog, for praying for my family, for loving us and supporting us during this pregnancy. This pregnancy has had it's highs and lows. It was so amazing to find out 9 months ago that I was pregnant with triplets, devastating 4 months in to find out we lost our son Ephraim, and now joyous to know our girls will join the world very soon. The Lord has certainly entrusted us with a lot of pain, but the joy is coming and I know it will be truly amazing! I will be so excited to post a picture of my two beautiful baby girls...very soon!!! Then stay tuned to the blog as this journey with twins truly begins!

Love to you all.
Jamie

Waiting....waiting

Wait: remain until something occurs, remain undone

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

I pray to God - my life a prayer -
and wait for what he'll say and do.
My soul waits for the Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
Psalm 130:5-6 (The Message)

Can you guess the theme of this blog entry....WAIT. Waiting seems to be the theme of our lives for about 4 years now. What a wait it has been. I am now in my 36th week of pregnancy. What a great place to be right? It is yes, but now I'm ready more than ever for the girls to be born. Erik and I will talk to the girls about going to the light..haha! But what I told Erik the other day is that we need to talk to the one who knows their birthday...God. He has this planned out, we just wish he would share it with us. But yes we know that is not how He works. So we continue to WAIT.

There has been so much build up in this pregnancy, even my family is on edge waiting for these girls. After getting the great results from our ultrasound last week we now know the girls are healthy and can be born safe and sound. However, as I continue to be reminded, each day they are still in my uterus is a good day because they can continue to grow and everything can continue to develop in a safe place.

Psalm 27:14, shown above, was a psalm given to us after we lost Ivy. So, we've been strong, waiting for the Lord for almost 3 years since that life changing day. And of course the Lord never ceases to amaze us...as we sit here waiting for our twin daughters to join the world. As we go through these last few days, or maybe this last week, we are both struggling with anxiety. But each day I am reminded to remain calm, I can't rush this process, it's out of my control. Prayers for us, especially Erik, would be great. Erik is struggling with anxiety for the first time in his life... extreme anxiety. We've been praying about it and he has spoken with a few close male friends, one a pastor, and one who has himself struggled with anxiety. What he has realized is that he is suffering this due to the post traumatic stress after the death of Ivy. Being at the end of this pregnancy is causing us both flashbacks. When these flashbacks occur, we are both focusing on the fact that this is July 2011 and listing all the things that are different now. It is not October 2008, we are different, this pregnancy is different, the circumstances are different, and we must turn to our comforter, our Lord, our Savior.

Search for Me and My messages, as you go through this day.
You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with your whole being.
(Devotional: Jesus Calling)

Thanks for reading and praying dear friends. I pray that the next post on this blog will be announcing the arrival of Hope and Genevieve Bayer!
Love you all,
Jamie

35 Weeks!

Hey friends! The amazing pictures above were taken by a dear friend who is a wonderful photographer. I plan to continue to share more of the pictures on the blog. It was so fun to document this time in our lives and this God-ordained pregnancy!

I am officially 35 weeks....and the countdown is really on now. I had an ultrasound yesterday, my last one, and the girls look amazing. They are still both head down, so I can deliver naturally! They are healthy and strong, Hope now weighs 6lbs. 2oz. and Genevieve is 5lbs. 15oz. No wonder my belly feels so heavy, I have 12 lbs of little girls inside me. Is that amazing or what?! So these girls can come out any time now. My doctor also said that I will not have to do steroids for the girls lungs because after 34 weeks the lungs are fully developed. So that was exciting to hear. They continue to do well on all the non-stress tests. The pregnancy is progressing as it should be...Thank you Lord!

Erik and I are ready to see these babies. This pregnancy has been amazing and so wanted. However with so much build up and excitement, we are ready for our "happy ending". It feels like I've been pregnant forever, and I think it's getting harder because I've been on bed rest and now carrying extra weight my body is wearing out on me. This heat doesn't help matters either, why did this have to be the summer of extreme heat? No more complaining...now my focus needs to be on labor & delivery. I have this anxious excitement in the pit of my stomach when I think about delivering these girls. Then when I think about bringing them home I feel even more anxious....how will I know what to do with them? I hear how crazy it is learning with one baby, how do I do it with two babies? I know I will have tons of help and support....but I'm the mom and I really want to know what I'm doing. It's the fear of the unknown...who knows what it will look like with twins...what will my days look like....will they be good sleepers....will they nurse...???? AHHHHHHHH...I'm making myself crazy..hope I'm not making you all crazy. I'm sure these are questions many mothers ask themselves...please say they are. I just needed to get that off my chest. Now I need to give to the Lord and ask Him to equip me to be the mother he wants me to be. He blessed me with these girls, and He knows what I need! I will find my strength in Him!

Prayer Request:
Please be praying, as we get closer to delivery, for the health and safety of both the girls and myself. Also please pray for Erik and I as our emotions will be all over the place when I do go into labor. We are both nervous about what that will look like. With my first pregnancy, when we lost Ivy, my water broke first and I labored at home for several hours. It wasn't until we got to the hospital that we found out we had lost her and she would be stillborn. So the dilemma becomes, if my water breaks first this time, how will we react. It's like a soldier with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the flashbacks to Ivy's birth may hit us and cause major emotional issues. We both know that this delivery will be emotional regardless, there will be tears of joy and sadness. We would love your prayers and we know God will protect us.

Love to you all!
Jamie

Hanging in there!

Hi Friends! This picture was taken at our salon...oh how I love a relaxing hour at the salon. We got fun new haircuts! What a day we had on Friday...the morning started with our weekly doctor appointment, the doctor checked me and Hope's head continues to get lower...my cervix is now behind her head so he couldn't determine exact number of dilation, but progress is being made! I realize I can walk around for two more weeks being dilated, but it excites me to think my body is progressing as it should! After the doctor appointment we headed to our Non-stress test, where the girls did amazing as usual...heart rates are going up and down and movement is good. By the time the test was over I was ready for lunch so we went to Cheesecake Factory, my favorite. After lunch, I was pretty exhausted, so Erik cranked up the air in the van and we both took a short snooze for 20 minutes. Then we headed off to the salon for haircuts, which is always a treat. Finally we headed home after a long exhausting day. I love getting out, but this day was a bit exhausting...needless to say I did sleep well that night. I must mention the funny part of the afternoon. The girls were wild with movement all day long and at one point Erik had music playing on his IPhone and decided to set it on my top of my belly which is where Genevieve is, she went crazy it was so fun to watch my belly move around, she's our dancer. At times it was like she was moving to the beat...so much fun to see!

My Thoughts:
After I read your comments and even some of your personal emails, it brings me to tears to see how my life impacts other people. As I thought about this the other day and reflected I had to write down the following; When I see other people relating to our story or finding hope through it, I feel truly blessed that God is using me and my life for His purpose. I am living proof that God is at work. I've gone from utter despair after a tragedy to triumph over that tragedy. My suffering has not been meaningless.
How fitting that the last line of my devotional today was: As you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you.
That is exactly what this blog is doing, blessing others through me...me, Jamie Bayer....hard to imagine how God will use us, but I am incredibly blessed He Chose Me.

I continue to study David through the Beth Moore study. In studying this week I found great comfort as Beth reminded us to reflect on things God has done for us. Beth says; Reflecting on things worth remembering deepens our relationship with our Savior.

The following scripture references were given as reminders:
Remember the miracles of God long ago. Psalm 77:11
Remember how fleeting life is. Psalm 89:47
Remember the Lord's name at night. Psalm 119:55
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35
Thank God when you remember a fellow believer. Philippians 1:3

Remember...Be Thankful....Be Blessed. Come away with the Lord for awhile, it's worth every minute!

The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.
Song of Songs 2:13

Love to all of you. May you be encouraged today. Remember to keep pressing into Him, our suffering is never meaningless.
Jamie

34 Weeks!

I've made it to another milestone, 34 weeks! I realize my belly isn't as huge as many people think it should be....and I must admit I am tired of hearing people say, "wow twins, your belly is so small for twins." It's as if people don't believe two babies are inside my uterus. Trust me they are both in there and growing strong. Erik says that they must be saying I look good and that I should be flattered. And to that I say...then just tell me I look good, don't comment on the size of my uterus. I'm healthy and my babies are healthy...enough said. Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest. Hormones...they kind of make me crazy.

Because I've been in my house so very much for so very many months...the small things are exciting to me. Some days the highlight of my day is riding in the van to Sonic for a cherry limeade. Now with doctor appointments and non-stress tests twice each week that is what I look forward to. Those are the days I shower, put on makeup, and dress in real clothes. I love those days. Now with the heat sweltering, I haven't even been able to go to the pool. It's just too hot, I think the pool water may feel like bath water and not be refreshing at all. So I sit in my air conditioned home...waiting. Thank God for air conditioning....it's a blessing!

Sitting here is making my mind go a bit crazy. I feel like there are so many things still to think about and do before babies arrive. I've been reading about everything from breastfeeding to immunizations. So much information...so much to learn. It's hard to be totally prepared for one baby, so what does it look like for two babies? I know that I over analyze and try to figure it all out. But what I'm learning is, I just have to cross each bridge as I come to it and pray, pray, pray. God has entrusted these babies to me, and He will guide me in my challenges of motherhood. I've gotten so much good advice and so much support from my mommy friends. So all of you mommies out there, after the babies arrive if you receive a call early in the morning or late at night..it's probably me needing that advice or support. I can't forget the support of my amazing husband....he knows more than I do. Because he's a pediatric nurse, he's been teaching me so much. I think I've asked the same questions 10 times, but he's so patient with me and always answers graciously. He hopes to be home for 3-4 weeks after the babies arrive, which will be so wonderful. He is not going to want to leave his girls for a second. He's so sweet with them now, I am so excited to see them in his arms.

What's Jamie Reading?
It's been awhile since I've talked about the books I've been reading, but don't worry I haven't slowed down. Like I said above right now I'm reading mostly baby related books, including; The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding from La Leche League International and Healing the New Childhood Epidemics (Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies) by Kenneth Bock. Two huge books with tons and tons of great information.
For fun I'm reading, Dear Harry, Love Bess by Clifton Truman Daniel. The book is a culmination of Bess Truman's letters to Harry Truman. The fun part of this book is my sisters name is listed under the Acknowledgments. My little sister, Kate Schuler, helped the author Clifton Daniel with transcribing the letters from Harry and Bess. I even helped her a few times. So fun to see her name in print in a published book! She's famous to me! Love ya Kate!


Thanks for reading!
Jamie

It's July!

Well I am into my 33rd week of pregnancy and getting a bit antsy...Erik is even more antsy, he can't contain himself. Although we are antsy, there still seems to be things to get done before the girls arrive. I keep thinking of small things I need to shop for and have on hand. I told Erik today that I am feeling a bit inadequate as a new mom. I may have been pregnant and given birth before, but the part where you bring home the baby is all new to me. I have a lot to learn and I know it will come, but I am getting a bit nervous about the learning process. New mom anxiety I guess. I have joined a new mom's small group at church and hopefully I can learn from other mommies and get lots of good advice.

I want to thank everyone for your prayers for sleep...keep em coming. I have had some restful nights. I did talk to my doctor and he gave me some medicine to help me sleep as well. Thank the Lord!

I need to say a huge THANK YOU to all you faithful blog readers. I so appreciate your words of encouragement, both as comments on the blog and on Erik's faceboook page. I also love getting your cards in the mail, and I even received a cute comic strip the other day...Snoopy talking about sleep. So fun! There are so many of you out there reading...some of you I don't know and may never meet. I can only pray that the Lord is using this blog to draw all of you closer to Him as I share my journey. Some of you have asked if I plan to blog after the girls arrive and the answer is yes! I plan to share and document my journey for you to read and for my girls to read someday. I know it will be tough to get to the computer those first months, but even if it's not me typing...I will post something. I have an amazing sister who will post updates and keep the blog going while I am in twin mode.

My emotions have been better this week and I feel a lightness in my heart. I surrendered so much to the Lord and I finally feel like I let things go and realized I cannot control anything. I will continue to have my struggles each day, but I do feel more at peace. I am really enjoying my new devotional and the other day the following words really spoke to me.

Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy. You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. I am always doing something new within My beloved ones. Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you.
I continue to remind myself of all the Lord has done in the past and believe in all that He can do in my future. He is trustworthy and he has a plan. Each day that we get closer to seeing our babies, is another day the Lord has created for us. When Erik and I were struggling with infertility and going through treatments the Lord reminded me that my ultimate goal in life is not being a mother, but growing closer to Him and doing His will. Although now I know His will includes being a mother, He wants so much more of me. My relationship with Him is the key to all of life. I really needed that reminder when I was deep into wanting my own desires to be fulfilled. I want to be watching, on the lookout, for all He has prepared for me. The following scripture is one I have memorized and refer to each time I allow fear to take over my mind.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
Psalm 56:3-4

Much love to you all.
Jamie

A Lazy Saturday

My lazy Mollie pictured above. We have taken a zillion pictures of Mollie for the last 7 years, I can't imagine how many more pictures we will take of our daughters! I plan to capture every second of their lives that I can!

Pregnancy Stuff: Ok, so my belly button is no longer. It is so stretched...I don't like touching it because it feels so weird...I'm wondering what it will look like after my belly returns to normal. I should say the new normal, my body will look very different. I know how much it changed with my first pregnancy and this time my stomach has stretched even more. Oh the changes we women go through for our children! I also wondered if insomnia is a pregnancy related issue. I am having so much trouble sleeping. I don't like to complain, because this pregnancy was so wanted, I just need to vent occasionally (all you mama's understand right?). Obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep, and I am having issues with restless legs, but this past week I've been having insomnia. I will feel utterly exhausted and go to bed at like 10:00pm only to still be awake at 12am. What is up with that? This morning I got up and told Erik, "I don't even know if I slept last night." I'm sure I did, but not very consistently. So for all those readers out there who pray...please pray for sleep for me. Thanks for listening to me vent and for praying!

Me and My Lord:
So it's been an emotional week for me as two of my dear friends have given birth this week to beautiful baby girls. I am truly excited for these babies to be here, but also even more ready for my girls to be here, and continuing to struggle with trusting God that they will be in my arms soon. Erik got me a new devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. After having an emotional morning I opened it and the words spoke to me and the scriptures refreshed my soul. I love that about the bible, every time I open it, it truly quenches my thirst and refreshes me. My favorite quote from the devotional: Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplish what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of absolute trust in Me. Underneath are the everlasting arms! I love that last sentence about diving into absolute TRUST. I need to dive in and not look back...His arms will be underneath me. As hard as it is, I'm taking one day at a time and resting in Him. Each week we continue to receive good news about the girls, all of our non-stress tests have been successful thus far and each visit the doctor tells me how well things are going. Then why, why, why do I doubt? It's as if I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I'm really not a negative person, but this journey is joyous and painful....and to be honest I need a break from painful. It feels as though all the trials in my adult life have involved my children...sending 3 of them to heaven. My mind is my enemy at this point, not shutting off and analyzing too much. I continually tell myself to rest in the facts and to rest in the Lord. The facts show my babies are amazing. The Lord brings me peace in the facts. I will get through this! The Lord has plans for me, to give me a hope and a future. I will keep pressing into Him as each doubt creeps in, as each tear streams down my face, and as each day brings new challenges. His mercies are new every day!

The scripture from today's devotional. I hope it encourages you!

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 5:2-3

The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the ever lasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27

Love and blessings to all my readers! Thanks for reading my thoughts. Open the bible today and be refreshed!
Jamie

32 Weeks!!

The LORD is my strength.
Exodus 15:2

Praise God I made it to 32 weeks! This is a huge milestone in a pregnancy with multiples. My girls can arrive in the world now and be healthy and strong....however we'd like them to wait a bit longer to get even stronger. We had another successful ultrasound yesterday and they look great. They continue to grow at a rate of 2 weeks ahead of my due date. Baby Hope is now weighing 4 lbs. 8 oz. and Baby Genevieve weighs 4 lbs. 7 oz. So I have about 9 lbs of baby in my belly. WOW! My doctor predicts that the girls will be at least 6 lbs or more if I deliver around 36 or 37 weeks. That's exciting! Then they have an even greater chance of coming home right away! Because my uterus is 40 weeks in size, I feel like I'm going to be 40 weeks pregnant forever...I'm feeling the heat and sleeping is getting difficult. But it's all worth it! I will do it knowing the end result is my girls in my arms. The waiting part is getting harder. Erik and I were just talking yesterday about how if we still had our 3 babies, if our sweet Ephraim was still with us, we would be delivering this week. That has been hard and yet another reason why waiting is getting tough. I've been emotional about it, but God is my strength and He gets me through.

I read two great devotionals this week and they encouraged me once again. On Sunday my devotional focused on prayer and believing God when we ask for something in prayer.
The author says: Unbelief continually asks, "How can this be possible?" It is always full of "how's", yet faith needs only one great answer to even ten thousand how's. That answer is - GOD! Prayer without faith quickly degenerates into an aimless routine or heartless hypocrisy. However, prayer brings the omnipotence of God to the support of our petitions. Nothing lies beyond the reach of prayer except those things outside the will of God.

This is another reminder to me, to pray and believe that God will answer. We have to believe in order to receive. Lately I've been praying my specific requests, but also praying the psalms. There are some beautiful prayers within the psalms, ones you can memorize and recite at any moment. If I find myself feeling anxious, or afraid, or even not trusting God...I recite a psalm and my focus comes back to the Lord.

Yesterdays devotional was also encouraging to myself and to Erik..as we continue to wait.
The author says: "The Lord is my strength" to sit still. And what a difficult accomplishment that is. I often say to others during those times when I am compelled to be still, "If only I could do something!" What a severe test at times. Yet to do nothing except sit still and wait requires tremendous strength.

This seems to be a theme with me...sit still. Well that's what I'm doing and will continue to do because that's God's will for me right now. He's definitely made it clear!

The Lord is my strength.
Exodus 15:2

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. I pray that it is an encouragement and that God is using me through my words. Thank you again for your prayers, love, and support!
Love,
Jamie

Some Much Needed Encouragement

My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken
Psalm 62:1-2

I cry aloud to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need
Psalm 142: 1-2, 5-6

As I study David, via Beth Moore, the psalms that he wrote are truly coming to life for me. A few days ago when I posted I shared that I continue to struggle with fears and the biggest part of that is TRUST. As I've studied my bible this week, God is encouraging me and I pray that the words I share today will encourage some of you too.

The message of Psalm 62 is Trust in God at all times. The key phrase for me is...at all times, in every circumstance. I am memorizing all of Psalm 62, reading it each night before I close my eyes...letting the words be the last thing I remember each night and when I wake the next day. It's powerful. My soul finds rest in God alone...rest - being quiet, waiting, ceasing, stopping. The only time I am truly at rest is when I am focused on Him.

Psalm 142 is a prayer from David when he was in a cave. So, imagine being in a dark place and crying out to God. It doesn't have to be a literal cave, just a dark place in life. Beth Moore raised six points about David from this psalm. David prayed, cried aloud, poured out his complaint to God, rehearsed his trust in God, longed for God's presence, and confessed his desperate need. She points out that the goal for crying out to God is meant to bring us rest. We cry ourselves to trust. When I thought about that statement, I imagined literally crying and God washing his peace over me. These days I cry a lot, at times for silly reasons, but also for real reasons. I cry out and tell Him my heart...he already knows, so I might as well lay it all out. Like David I cry aloud and pour out my complaints and long for God's presence. The area I struggle with is trust. It's as if I can feel God's presence, but hard for me to trust His presence. I know in my mind that he will never leave me nor forsake me, but when my heart is hurting that is hard to comprehend. Each day I must chose to trust HIM and only HIM. I am human and I will continue working on it...with God by my side.

Beth Moore describes David's heart so perfectly:
David's Godlike heart: He viewed his heart as a pitcher, and he poured everything in it on his God, whether it was joy or sadness, bitterness or fear. David not only poured out his heart as personal practice; he urged others to do the same.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8

Have a blessed day my dear friends! Be encouraged!
Love always,
Jamie

31 Weeks!

I just finished a morning at the pool. I left my swim suit cover up on...didn't think you'd want to see me in my swim suit. I got my big floppy hat to protect my face from sun and I am so very pale. I'm use to being pasty white...I never tan, just burn. The pool is such therapy for me, I love it! I've been having more and more braxton hicks contractions and the pool is the best remedy for that. I can walk around and don't have to worry about having those contractions.

Well I am 31 weeks and my uterus is now full grown to 40 weeks in size. So for the next 5-6 weeks the only direction for my belly to grow is out! My non-stress tests are going well. The girls are doing great each time. The nurses often comment that they are overachievers and doing great. I love when people compliment my children! For those of you who don't know what the non-stress test is, let me explain a bit. I am laying down with two monitors on my belly, one on each of the girls hearts. On a screen you can see the heart rates as numbers going up and down, as well as lines going up and down. The nurse is there to make sure the heart rates are going up and down and not dipping too low for too long. They are also looking for 2 movements from the babies in 20 minutes. They do these tests twice a week and the goal is to see whether it's best for babies to stay inside longer or if they are needing to come into the world. So far the best place for my girls is inside my womb....praying for that for at least 5 more weeks.

So I continue to have battles with my mind...the fears are creeping in. God continues to remind me of His presence and yet I allow my mind to hold on to fear. As we approach the birth of the girls...it's just still so hard for me to imagine it as reality. I've been pregnant, I've given birth, but I've never brought a living baby home. Can this really happen? I believe it can...or at least I want to. I see everyone else doing it...why can't I see myself doing it?

From my devotional today:

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,
"This is the way; walk in it."
Isaiah 30:21

When we have doubts or are facing difficulties, when caution dictates one approach but faith another, we should be still. We should calm ourselves in the sacred stillness of God's presence, study His word for guidance, and with true devotion focus our attention on Him. You must get alone with Him, where the lights and the darkness of this world cannot interfere.

"BE STILL" - a deeper step in faith and rest.
"Be still and know" your Father does know best
The way to lead His child to that fair land,
A "summer" land, where quite waters flow;
Where longing souls are satisfied, and "know
Their God," and praise for all that He has planned

From Beth Moore study of David:
Our best recourse when negative emotions begin controlling us is to fall before the throne of grace and seek God. Take solace in the fact that Christ knows how it feels to be tempted by feelings. Ask God to make you aware of the constant reminders of His presence in your life so that you can have His assurance no matter what your circumstances.

I think God is trying to tell me something. Be Still, Seek Him...one simple phrase...four words...let it sink in. I will keep pressing into Him...keep praying...and keep reading His word.


For fun!
Thank You Nana Bayer for the new bedding for the girls! It brightens up the nursery even more and the girls will love it!

Genevieve's new bedding!

Hope's new bedding!

Love to you all! Thank you for your encouraging comments and your prayers.
Jamie

Thoughts of Father's Day

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
2 Corinthians 6:18

As Father's Day approaches my thoughts and prayers are with my dear husband Erik. Like Mother's Day for me, Father's Day for Erik has been tough these past 3 years. With babies in heaven and now babies in my womb...there are many emotions. Erik has not left the house on Father's Day since 2008. Father's Day 2008 was his first celebration of being a daddy. I was pregnant with Ivy and he was so excited to be a dad and join the men in his life on this new adventure. Father's Day 2009 came after losing our precious daughter...no celebration that day. Father's Day 2010 brought another loss, a miscarriage...no celebration that day. Father's Day 2011 brings another loss, a father losing his precious son while joyfully celebrating two baby girls. The loss of Ephraim hit us both very hard, but I feel it was especially difficult for Erik. Ephraim was his son and he had always dreamed of having a son. The bond between father and son is a special one and he had a bond with our son from the day we found out he was a boy.

As Father's Day 2011 approaches I know Erik is excited to celebrate being a daddy once again....never forgetting his children in heaven. I pray that this Father's Day will be a true celebration, a day I will celebrate my husband! Erik is an amazing daddy. He works so hard for his family and has so much love for our babies. He talks to the babies and reads to them almost daily. He reads sweet stories from the bible....wanting his girls to know Jesus before they even enter this world. He works hard to provide for us and he takes such good care of me. He's taken on so much around the house with me out of commission and he never complains. With a wife like me who has OCD about the house, I know it's hard to maintain my insane cleanliness. But he is doing so great and I can never tell him enough how much I truly appreciate it. He truly serves the Lord by serving his family each day. I am so thankful for Erik each day...he is my best friend and the man I love with all my heart. There is a photo of him looking at Ivy the day she was born, the same day she left for heaven, and his expression is priceless. As I sit here typing I am looking over at this photo with tears in my eyes. He is looking at her with such love...he was so in love with her from the moment he saw her face. From that day I have wanted to see that expression on his face once again. I can't wait for the day that he sees his two girls beautiful faces and falls in love with them. What a day that will be! I also know that when he sees Ivy in heaven that expression will never fade!

For Fun
Mollie's 7th Birthday was today. She's been with us since she was 8 weeks old...wow how time flies. You dog lovers will enjoy the photos of her below. Those of you who aren't dog lovers, well you may think we are weird...but oh well. We didn't get her a cake this year, but we made her a special dinner. We got her some new food, Erik cooked her up 3 eggs, and added some pasta sauce on top. A feast indeed for a dog!



We even added a candle. Now she doesn't normally get fed at the table like this, this was just so we could get a picture of her before she chowed down. I think it looks like she's trying to blow out the candle. Haha!












Oh that sweet face. I'm sure she's thinking...can I just get my dinner now people...all I want is the food!












Blessings and Love,
Jamie

Celebrating Babies!

Me and My Kristen.

Some of our dear friends from church gave us a day of pampering and celebrating our babies.

3 mommies! My dearest friends Kristen and Kristina.

What a beautiful day the Lord blessed us with. Kristen and I were blessed with a delicious brunch, wonderful fellowship, and pampering gifts for both us and babies. It's so fun to share this time with my dearest friend. I pray that our babies will be the best of friends, just like we are! It's so amazing to be supported and loved by so many godly women. All the ladies at the brunch have children of all ages and it's so fun to hear stories and get advice from each of them. It's also such a comfort to know that I have the support of these women as I raise my children and I know that they will be with me every step of the way!

"My peace I give you."
John 14:27

I've been feeling God's peace so much lately and I'm slowly burying my fears. God is continually reminding me of His presence and His peace that passes all my understanding. My study of David has been meaningful this week. Beth Moore says, "God loves us for a singular reason - He chooses to love us." I love that! He chose Me! It's such a simple phrase, but often the reminder that we need.

I will leave you with a poem from my daily devotional.

My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.

My peace I give when prayer seems lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.

My peace I give when you are left alone -
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.

My peace I give in times of utter loss,
The way of glory leads right to the cross.

My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For My own brow with bloody drops was wet.

My peace I give when there's but death for thee -
The gateway is the cross to get to Me.

L.S.P.

My love to you all.
Jamie

PS - I want to give a shout out to all my friends at Mo-Kan. I heard that some of you are reading my blog and I've seen some of your comments. I miss you all and think of you so often. I will have to come for a visit after the girls arrive! Love you all!